Rapid Fire

My brain and my heart go against each other in rapid fires and all I can do is take refuge in my own body. See, my mind, my mind tells me to hold on, hold on to the anger hold on to the hatred so when the time comes I can lash out at anyone for anything but they’d never know that they’re not the reason they feel my wrath, but my heart, my heart tells me to let go, let go because the longer I hold on the longer I’m off balance, the longer I hold on the longer I’m unfocused, the longer I hold on the longer I’m holding myself back. But when i see you my brain and heart work together, my brain processes the image of you in my mind then my heart remembers the memories then my brain finally realizes we are no longer in a time where you’re my best friend, So then my brain and my heart work together to create this feeling in my chest as if lightening has just struck it and it catches me off guard. So the image of you is no longer in focus, the world around me is no longer in focus, and my heart is no longer in service. My body is going into fight or flight mode and at this moment my brain is battling my heart and in this war love is no longer in existence. See in my world, it’s just anger loneliness and the fear of always being alone. But I’ll never let you see the weakness in my eyes, And if it was up to me you’d never find out that this was about you, but because of you, that  trust I had for people just weakened and my walls of trust got stronger, making them less easier to break into making me more distant, making me more paranoid to let people know me, see you showed me that how easily you could let people in is just how easily they could just leave, and that love you thought flowed so easily between you two like air, invisible but there didn’t show the misconceptions. So when you said we’d be best friends forever I took it literal made sure every plan in my future had you in it, that when I heard a funny joke I would retell it to you sometime in the future when you needed it most, that when you needed me I would be your shoulder, your back bone, your left and right hand, and a reminder every day that I was here. But you know how the story goes you go from talking all day everyday, to 3 hours a day to a good 3 times out the week for 3 minutes and then none. We were done . Our friendship was over and the worse part was I never seen it coming. Because see, the whole time in our quote on quote “friendship” my logic did not work so of course I couldn’t  see that you were becoming distant, of course I couldn’t see that you were acting different, my heart just told my brain that I was happy  and refused to let me see the red flags. But my brain and my heart think alike because they both  just put up this white flag because they can’t take the  realization that you are no longer here,, I can’t take the emotional realization that you are no longer here, but neither one of them is surrendering so my body is a war zone, my brain  and my heart is at war and I wonder who will win and I wonder who I’ll become in this emotional war of rapid fire