Ready now

Mon, 05/20/2013 - 16:36 -- nbjobim

Location

02139
United States
42° 21' 53.1216" N, 71° 6' 11.7324" W

I'm ready now
Ready for your bullshit
I can take this fight
this battle
this war
This never-ending game of drawing circles while you hog all the pencils but I
Have the eraser
And I will make my own rules
And maybe this is stupid and when the time comes I'll convince myself that I'm facing pen
A red streak of permanence
Unchangeable and unflinching
And I'll hold back, won't make the strong strokes I need to draw free from your circumferences
Won't force my hand
And maybe we will fail and flail and fall
Burn like newspaper
All the words that create us crumbling in on themselves but
Right now
I'm ready
I'll humor you now
Because I want to
Because I feel like it
I want this madness, somehow want the strange fire of frustration that takes away sleep and leaves me deep, deep, deeply
Tired
Wrecked and wrought on the beach of my own expectations and aspirations towards a world where the words that come out of your mouth to be written onto the page of our relationship make a single piece of sense and
I want it slow, like the tears I would never cry about this because it doesn't exactly make me sad but just
Irritated
Tears tracing tracks on cheeks
Slow like a red balloon rising into the open sky when a little boy opens
His hand
I want to get stuck
In this impasse
Promise I won't fight your trespass
Into my life.
And maybe this is unhealthy and I really should be dedicating my time to something else
Something productive like
Learning Russian.
But fuck that because I walked into this situation, me, over the threshold, opened the door, shit I even built the house myself with my own bare hands so no
I'm not over it and no
I refuse to leave because of fear and anger and I intend to play this out wherever it may lead me.
I start the things I finish
Or maybe it's the other way around.
This I choose to do
Because whenever you walk into a room my heart doesn't speed up, rev up, I'm not trying
To race anyone I'm just
Taking a walk.
The only part of me that you affect apart from my head is
This little place
Down
Just below my chest
Or whatever organ is right above my bellybutton
Well it tightens, shakes
Shit, the damn thing freaking trembles
When I walk into a room that has
You in it.
I want you to know that I make this choice
Me
The choice to fight this war, this battle, this fight
To play the game
The choice to let you in
To open my gates to the pain of trust
And the healing of disappointment.
I choose
Me
And I'm ready
Now.

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741