Reality Within Myself & Within the World

I'm sick of it!, I'm walking around here, living off of the stupid dumb stereotypes that have been put into my head. When I say stereotypes, I mean comments about me that are not overall true, it's what I show people that they see me as. I'm not a perfect person, this is what I need to keep telling myself. No matter how many nice comments that a person or a people may give me, its in vain if in reality God sees a different story. I get the comment about how i'm such a good child, this and that. It’s only what I decide to show that person. Not saying that I don't love my mom, that I don't care for her, but I was spoiled most of my life, and hard headed. For some reason my mom does not beat me much the way she used to, and I believe if she would have kept that up then I would be in a different position. My Mom has to tell me multiple times, sadly, to do what should have already done a moment ago. I know that I'm taking advantage of the non-beatings, and as I tend to get away with more things, the less I take what needs to be done seriously. Instead of me changing my ways, knowing that my mom is struggling, I take advantage of it, and I really dislike that about myself. Now let's not get this wrong, I do take care of my mom , and I love her, it's just certain areas where a child at my age should not only know the rights,and wrong, it's the act of taking advantage. I become so forgetful tahc when she tells me to get something done it goes from one ear and out the other. I like having a good persona, but if in reality, in my heart, that's not me, then why do I need to be like this. I don't want to be  a living liar, I'm tired of living this crap, I'm tired of it. What's the point if I'm gonna live this darn life that is truly in vain. I am seen in school that I'm such a good student, I know how to be polite with my teachers, and I like to have good relations, and reputations with my teachers that's all, I don't need to be praised for it. It's not worth it, I wanna be the one that is doing what he needs to do, without having to be mentioned out loud to others about how good I do this, and that. I'm not perfect, and what I dislike the most is that, the form of being so "good", and having that reputation, I have to "live up to it". I have a negative mind that I dislike, I can be very judgemental at times, I can be a hypocrite, I don't like it, but as I got older the more I realized it. I don't want to be the fake version of how people perceive me, and not live to how people see me, but how I know how I should be. I should want to just get things done, not being when being told. I'm not saying that in reality, I hate the world, I don't wanna be a good student, and this is my prerogative based on how people see me. I wanna stop living the illusion of how people see me. I wanna live in the reality of how I know, how i've learned that  should be.  How God wants me to be in the world. Not how the world perceives me, but how I need to perceive myself which is self evaluating my own self. I feel like with these high expectations that my family have of me is the reason why I feel like that I need to live in this reality. It is overwhelming in some cases trying to hold that expectation. The fear I have is  failing these expectations, and having people doubt me, but people are gonna say things whether I succeed or fail, I don't want to give up this race. The world is  going crazy, it is close to meeting the end that most cannot see because everyone is confused. I don't wanna keep being so confused as to where to turn. The illusion of expectation must stop, that doesn't mean that I cannot grow, but I don't have that leash on me. Also to remind myself that i'm already not perfect, and not to say that to give an excuse to continue to to what is wrong, but to acknowledge what I know is wrong, and leaning toward the solution which is Christ Jesus. I'm trying to figure out what it means to be christian, and I am failing, but i'm sick of the illusion.  I have to end thac reputation, and create a new one, one that I can adjust to that is beneficial in helping with true success. To not veer from it based on how people feel. I'm sick of living in the past, in the illusion, I'm sick of it. Reality can be in front of me, but what I have to do is open my "eyes", and pray for guidance because the world is driving a lot of people in the wrong direction.  this is not how I wanna keep living. In secret fear knowing that the Lord is coming, and instead of asking more of him, I'm getting too distracted to this college life. This is nothing but another step or part, chapter in life. This doesn't mean I just stop, and God has taken me far even when he knows that I don't deserve it. If I continue to live in this illusion, I will miss out on God when he comes. Reality is fact depending on how you look at it, and even when you don't believe it, reality will surely come sooner or later. Reality remains a mystery still to some of us because the world is full of lies as we live in reality. How can we determine reality when reality can come  in many different ways. Of course there is one reality, but i'm talking about the reality that the millions of people with millions of different perspectives, opinions and views whose reality can be close or no where near yours. Within reality, there is truth, and truth is among us, it's just a truth we cannot see in how we wanna see it. However the signs are in front of us twenty-four seven. We have to pay attention to how the world is viewed and how it should have been.  In reality, what I have learned, is that my job is to not change people in what I have learned from God of how a person should be, but to realize my imperfections, and to love people even with their imperfections, to show this love can bring people closer to God because you are showing the character of love, which is God. I am not better than anyone, in reality God is the final judge, what I have to understand its that not everyone is going to accept God ,and to keep moving forward. To learn, actually learn from my mistakes so that I can become better than them. The more that I stay focused on God, what really matter in this world, the less I become distracted, the more visible the enemies attacks are. The more the enemy may try to attack me, in attempt to win me over unless I reject him. I hope that this message would help encourage ya'll even though I may have seemed all over the place. I like having to write my thoughts, it helps me think better.