The Reason Why I Am Scared of Love

I was scared  

I was terrified of love.

The kind of terror that made me gasps for air in the middle of the night.

Love sounded better than death but I knew death better than love

And the mysterious side of it frightened me.

I hated the way I couldn’t control my heart when in love

I hated the way I took stupid decisions when in love

I hated the way a fire seemed to consume me when in love

Or the way my carefully calculated plans were changed to chaos.

But the thing I hated the most and made me shudder at the thought was

Vulnerability.

All the walls built to protect my heart stumbled, failing at their duty

And there it was, my naked heart, full of scars from past mistakes

And yet I was unable to learn from them because love was whispering

“Maybe this time…”, deceiving me with lies I was desperate to believe.

Love didn’t care about my torment.

It played with me, laughing at my weakness,

Leaving me with a new scar in the end,

Prostrated on the floor,

Not remembering how to cry.

I was terrified of love

And yet I continued to befriend it.