a reflection

a cigarette

between split lips

and shattered bottles

the taste of whiskey as i tripped

365 days

infinite ways 

it seems like ive changed

it pains me, looking back

on the days when i was just a sad sack

sitting on the floor of the trap house

looking for a hit like it was cheese for a mouse

no love, no hope

just looking for a body to grope

hitting people up at 3am

they're busy, they can't, they say no

and i'm angry

im frustrated, my invitation

was nothing other than an interpretation 

of the feelings of not wanting to be alone

not wanting to fall asleep because my fears gnawed on my soul like a bone

so i'd use a depressant 

to drown the gnawing fears but, consequently

my fears consumed and they drew me closer to them 

every time i sobered up id be left trembling 

but i convinced myself that i was getting better

that it was just bad weather

and that i was just tethered to pain

but it would away, wouldn't stay in my brain

i wouldn't have to change, wouldn't go insane

addicted. 

not to the liquid, not to the smoke

but the ghost that i became.

so when my heart broke

but all i had to do was cloak

my fears and rage protected me

deflecting everything that tried to get close

then it changed.

there are people who come into your life who can change everything

and for these people you will and to do anything

to make them feel the happiness that they give you

you'll do anything to help them like they helped you

so i did

i bit my lip and i gave it up

the liquid, the smoke

the cloak

now i find the positive in everyday, 

the sky is no longer grey

i find joy in everydays skies

and i don't give up when people attack with lies

i pray

i sing

i even shoot up when the doorbell rings

see, these are things i hadnt done for years

i shut every joy out because of those fears

i was like a caged bird, now im a dove

if theres one thing thats changed about me,

theres one thing

i share, i feel, i accept

love.

m.f.