Regret Tastes Like Loud Music

I’ve been told that

What goes up must come down

That’s especially true of teeth

Of smiles into frowns

And if I can’t do anything right

Each phone call turning to dust

Under my tongue, my intentions

Are just that, just dust

A solution, a quick fix

Splitting my head on the wall

I just want to hear

The wrong things fall

Out of my skull and onto the ground

Where I can step on them like ants

Killing them quickly

Before I screw up my chance

To hold your hand again

Or touch your face

It’s all my fault

And I hate this place

I got both of us here

Without a way out

And you just want to leave

And for me to shut my mouth

But apologies pour out my throat

They sound like pain and ghosts

Of the way you looked at me ten minutes ago

But truly, what hurts the most

Isn’t the guilt

I want to throw up

It isn’t the change

I don’t know how to grow up

It’s the look in your eye

And the way you say

I’m alright, it’s fine

I’m okay

But then each spacebar

Is like another knife in my chest

So now I’m drowning

And I don’t have my life vest

Once, my grandpa told me

Good intentions pave the road to hell

I guess that means that

I’ve got concrete to sell

Despite what we want

The laughing and holding

All I feel is nothing

Just empty airwaves, they’re molding

Me into someone I hate

Someone stupid and lonely

I want to burn a dictionary

To hurt the words, if only

I could do that

But I’m unable to convey

Exactly what I want

So instead I say

The verbal equivalent of

The Otter Pop plastic

You wanted something sweet

Something refreshing and fantastic

But all my words gave you

Were small, painful incisions

On the corners of your perfect lips

So I question my decision

Knowing in full

The extent of your perfection

Why do I deserve to be close to you,

To try and earn your affection

The right answer is

That I do because I care

And I’m faithful and honest

But I’m honestly scared

By how often this happens

It feels like a pattern

Each wrong move around my head

Like rings around Saturn

Whenever that planet is thought of

All they think about are rings

And so I’m petrified that

You’ll only think of the things

That hurt you, specifically

The ones that I’m at fault for

The times I unintentionally

Ordered our conversation to halt

And you get quiet for a bit

Then you look in my eyes

And mutter that

I’m just like the other guys

At that moment

I want to break down and cry

In that split second

Part of me breaks off and dies

I want to hear you laugh again

It feels like a past life

But apologies don’t cut it

And neither do I