regrets from sad nights

My fingers trace the edge of my throat

I know it can’t stay here

It has to leave

I can’t feel

My body is numb

I freeze when you touch me

But I told you I wanted this

Because I thought I did

I thought I needed it

God am I disconnected

My soul dreams of being in a different body

But for now, it is stuck

So I wallow in self-hatred and disgust

And my fingers trace the edge of the vodka bottle

I don’t know how I got here

But I know I’m not okay

I might not have to live anymore

And that makes my heart numb

And my soul relieved

My fingers trace the edge of the hospital bed

These white walls are all I seem to see anymore

I freeze when they touch me

I try not to breathe

I can’t feel anything

Who have I become?

-regrets from sad nights 9 march 2018