Rejection

I've always had this fear

Of being rejected

Of being pushed aside

And being trampled

So I tried to fit in

I wore all the right clothes

I said all the right things

But I still didn't fit

It was like trying

To fit a square

Into a circle hole 

It just didn't work

My crippling insecurity

Followed me everywhere

"What if I say the wrong thing?

What if I embarrass myself?"

This constant fear of messing up

Of eating too much

Of committing a social atrocity

Consumed everything

It controlled my portions

My exercise

My thoughts

My actions

So when I figured out 

That I had a crush on a girl

Who was in my "friend group"

I was mortified

I tried to ignore it

Because I didn't want to get left behind

I didn't want to mess up

They still found out

I was called stupid 

And gay

I made sure to keep my crushes hidden

From then on

When I realized

That I really didn't fit

Into this frame of "woman"

That I was genderfluid

I made sure to hide that

Much better than my crush

Out of the fear 

Of being rejected

Here I am

Almost grown

Still terrified of the thought

Of rejection

I tried to come out to my parents

They told me 

That I was wrong

And stupid 

And sinful

So I ask myself

Is it better to be someone that I'm not

To be accepted

Or to stand alone at the edge of the world

As me