Relay Brought It Back

It’s this feeling of helplessness that I can’t escape

I take my mind out of it and I do everything in my power to

avoid facing it

My heart drops and my words get caught in my throat

Tears pour down like rainwater

And my body begins to shake

My hands get clammy

All I want is for my mom to be okay, for her to be healthy and for this world to be okay

I can’t do it alone

If she leaves I don’t know what would become of me

The doctors say they see cancer but we pray to God to make the signs disappear

The minute I get a phone call from home I fear the worst

My tongue gets heavy just at the thought of asking, “is everything okay?”

I don’t want to know the severity, yet it’s the only way I can truly know if God is listening to me

I’m going to be sick; this is just like that day with Tia Rosita

I couldn’t hide it

She was diagnosed and there was nothing we could do about it

There was an understood silence with my mother on the other end

She explained to me there was nothing we could do for her

It was too late

The ugly thing had metastasized everywhere

Her body had no chance; it was at war with itself

Tia Rosita wasn’t given enough time

I cried for so long

I wanted to break something, I wanted to run, I wanted to shout, and I wanted to cry out blasphemies

But all I did that night was fall to my knees and ask for a miracle, for strength to hold the rest of the family up

This part of me is still numb, I’m still learning how to face this