A release of hope

My first encounter with pain mixed with hate for me it was the transference from an individual or people which emitted a motion of worry in me, I kept wondering is this people my family, okay they are but to my expense of being immersed in a paradigm of self pity wondering how am I going to live a tireless life of a rotten that mirrors they image of me. A few minutes from now some of them might enter from there routinous itinerary sunday trip from church for even the youngest has gulped her parents attitude of scrutiny, looking at me as if I have no life or lost in between this dimension and theirs that produces conformity, where am not living with a particular standard, as I am writing this a vision or an imagery of their steer whilst I try to act or be disconnected from their greetings to show contempt. The same person that that ignores my phone calls greets me with a smile as if am a fool that is drawn with a dale pencil that can be corrected at anytime without reparations for some of this actions is as if they're written with a pamanent maker(my cousin). A few weeks ago I'd never thought pain is an emotion that can be felt to an extended that it vibrates the body to a fetus position but that never happened to me I laughed about it cause I still to this day can not believe that such hate that's filled with so much actions can live in people you're related too, my grandparents, in particular my grandmother can tell me whilst I am speaking to her trying to get my point across about a specific or general topic, she has told me many times why am I telling her this things cause she truly doesn't care about what I have to say, of cause the attitude is different when her other grandchildren visit and through the years I've grown distant and to be honest am becoming more of myself.

I've seen my mother been hit by the strokes of hate that carry the memories of her encounters, it is painful to watch cause sometimes it is hard to communicate with her when it hits that time, only a wish at that time; will carry us I ask