remember

i remember the music like it was yesterday. like the beat still shakes the floor

i remember your eyes and the way they gleamed in the sunlight

its as if youre beside me now

i remember the phone call in the middle of the night and how i heard the scream echo from my mouth

i remember every fucking promise you made

i remember the words like a cold, dull, blade

i remember the first day without you

how cold the room felt with your desk empty beside me. 

i dont remember crying but they d=told me i did

they showed me photos of my at your funeral and my puffied eyes from no sleep

i dont remember writing your eulogy

or reading it to your friends and family as they cried in front of me

i remember the long nights i stayed up with you, counting your breaths on the phone

i remember walking two miles to your house because you couldnt stand to be alone

i remember the letter

i remember how you said no one ever cared

 i remember how much i fucking cared

i dont remember ever leaving you on read or saying that the way you felt was invalid

i dont remember ignoring your cries for help at 2 am when the darkness was chilling around you

i remember feeling nothing for weeks after the call

i remember the way the darkness around you didnt go away and the way i adopted it from you because you couldnt fucking stay

i remember it all

i wish i could forget and i wish you knew i loved you and i wish you knew i cared

i thought you would remember that i would always be there

i thought you would remember that i fucking cared

i thought you would call me like you had done so many times before

in my dreams i dont remember

in my dreams you are right there beside me

but when i wake up

i remember

again and again and again

every morning i remember

and i would kill myself too if it meant i could forget

i remember you 

when everyone else has moved on

i fucking remember

your smile

your laugh

your pain

you

i remember