Right Now

The time I’m growing up

Is right now.

And it always has been—

Remember the day

I learned to pronounce “pretzel” correctly?

The day I decided

I liked butterflies more than bats

The day I didn’t argue

When someone said

“Unicorns aren’t real”?

But there’s more to it than that.

I could name all these days

And more

I could name all these days,

But the day of maturing

Is right before my eyes;

The internal stirring

As I watch wonderful people

And realize not only

That I must live up to their example,

But that it’s going to take work to do so.

I’ve made promises

I have to fulfil.

There is much work to be done.

Look back

I always have

Look back

How far?

In the past few months

I have done things

I never could have expected.

I made a friend—on purpose!

I fell in love—accidentally.

I have given up

So much of myself

For the sake of spending time

With her.

I made choices

That I might not have

Years ago;

To smile and laugh and be silent

For the sake of being likeable;

To leave my room

And go be social

Even when I needed space and dark and quiet.

I made it through classes

Missed no assignments

(A world away from middle school)

And somehow managed to do well.

And I knew when to give up

And take a class ungraded;

I knew how to push through

And get work done.

But I still don’t know how

To get a job;

I still don’t know how

To keep my friends

I don’t know how

To live with hurt

To ask for help

To ask for time.

Look back

I never would have done those things

I never would have made it this far

Three or four or five years ago.

Look back again

What shadows lie behind me

That I can no longer see?

What effects have I caused

That I will never know about?

Am I deluding myself

With my interpretations of events?

Where has my child-self gone?

I still walk along curbs

Like they’re balance beams;

I still chase pigeons

And watch for butterflies.

But why can’t I make up stories

Even when I have such examples

Of wonderful storytellers around me?

Where is my creativity?

Where is my confidence?

Where is the me

Who rose up to do

What needed to be done

When the world came crashing down?

Why can’t I find her again?

More a child and less a child.

Growing up and shrinking down.

Less wisdom, less grace

More masked, better face

On-task and on-board

Where’s truth and depth stored?

So all I can do is silently scream

As I

Look back

Once again

As I always have been

Look back

Dare not look forward;

Too much fear and hurt

That way

Walk blindly into the fire

Staring over my shoulder

Seeking my shadow

Into the fire

We go

Looking back.

I am growing up right now

Because I have to be

Because it’s happening, whether I want it

Or not

Because if I don’t grow up now

I never might

When death comes so quickly.

I’m trying

For a girl in love, it’s hard

But I’m trying

Maybe failing

Look back.