Rip

You tear into me with dagger up through my body
you think it's okay to slide up through a hole
to breathe on my neck as you put your arms around my waist
what makes it okay as you burn my insides and place my thoughts so they fill with future PTSD.
What makes you think using my body is okay for your satisfaction.
Why does our world glamorize sexual abuse in ways people pass it by.
Why do people say they are for something, but do the opposite.
Funny how this world has played me since I was born.
Yet you played me as you masturbated my insides till my lungs were throwing up with guilt.
Until I was crying on that blank bathroom floor with glass shattered in the sink.
With blood pulsing under my stolen skin.
You walked out with my bodies print on your hands.
You walked away with satisfaction.
You walked away with a smile on your face.
I cried on the carpet later when the teacher told us to stop kissing each other.
Little did she know you were forcing me.
You were using me.
You threatened me.
You pinned me up against the wall by the shed.
Under the mountain.
In every corner of the school I ran to hide, but I always found myself back where it all began.
Shadows and flashbacks coursed through my veins and behind my eyes.
Blue ice covered my vision.
Heat waves flooded my cheeks.
Maybe that is where I got asthma...
all those times I was scared to death you would walk in and steal my body again from me as though I died and my spirit left.
You tortured my insides.
No one listens.
No one cares.
They are too caught up in the world and what it believes.
That teacher could've cared less.
My friends wouldn't have believed the whole story.
My parents would say I exaggerated.
Myself would tell me to suck it up and go with it.
Because guess what?
It might be okay.
It is okay to have your body used.
I'm only there to be a sexual pleasured object so satisfy your lustful needs.
I'm there only for your greedy hands to slither across my bare skin.
Of course no one again believes that this is the thought.
Those who aren't sexually abused think everythings different.
They don't understand the reason we choose to stay alive.
They don't fully understand those who choose to leave.
Again they don't understand why I get so upset at me when I tell them they don't understand, but yet they do?
No one fully, truly understands, and listen.
Life is full of learning and growing. 
It is interesting to grow up in a world where women are sexuallized. 
Why are people supporting this.
Why is this world so messed up that literally an hour ago I went hiking by a lake in the middle of the country side and I would turn around every 30 seconds to see if anyone was near.
Why am I so paranoid that someone will rape me?
Why am I afraid of nature because one man took my virginity without my consent.
Why am I so terrified of my body because someone used it so wrong.
If I do find a lover they have to suffer the affects that I have from you.
I will stutter.
I will stop.
I will cry in my lovers arms.
I will kiss him slowly and think about the guy who abused me.
It isn't against you, it is from him.
That is what I thought when you first kissed me.
I sat there stunned and started crying in shock.
I couldn't breathe.
You didn't know yet.
You didn't understand.
You probably thought there was something wrong with you, but oh how darling I am so freaking in love with you. 
I wish you could understand why I would love you so much and so carefully.
Oh how darling I wish I could love you without flashbacks.
I wish I could love you so much.
Right now I'm learning to love those pure moments when we are together holding one another while I am a miserable mess.
Where we connect.
I'm sorry that man robbed me and you can't see my true self.
I'm sorry to me that I didn't say no.
I was too afraid.
Oh how darling (to the author, from the author), I am so proud of you. I wrote this for you and about you because you are insanely beautiful. You are so strong. You fill every aspect of my life with you. We are such good friends and oh how honey I wish I could make you so happy. You deserve so much.
Oh darling you are worth everything.
I'll be here forever because I am you.
Love yourself and you can get through anything.
(My story of how I overcame sexual abuse because I learned to love myself and find those parts of me that became hidden)
You will be alright.
If you read this know everything will be alright. 
Only you can get yourself through anything.
Ice can only melt for so long before it evaporates into the sun.
You are glorious.
Trust me, you shine.
-art