"Roses"

 ROSES

By Darlene Uzoigwe

I am from my roses-beautiful, but dangerous-my first lesson in that there will always be tribulations in the acquiring of anything worthwhile.

I am from sacrifice. I am from tear-stained smiles. I am from the betrayal of my lips as they utter “ I’m Fine” as my heart screams out for help.  I’m from noisy streets and a city that never sleeps. I’m from bright lights and endless opportunities. I’m from realizing that the monsters out there weren’t just from my storybooks. I’ m from broken friendships and knifes with heart-shaped hilts lodged in broken backs tired of carrying others with them.

I am from kicks while I laid chest against the ground.  I am from the tears that would pool at my cheeks against the concrete like a wet kiss goodbye. I am from the silence that reigned for a decade.

I am from whispers from the homeland. Nigeria, oh how sweet the Motherland! I am from the sharpness of their Ebo fluent tongues. I am from their regal eye-watching my every move silently and the tempered pursing of their dark lips. I’m from chasing after my parents’ approval. I’m from apology letters written on my nightstand, past attempts crumbled up and scattered against the floor

where my words had failed me.

I am from “Sit up like a lady!” I’m from “ Smile more! ” I am from “ Talk only when spoken to”. I’m from “ Be more like your sisters!”  I am from the narrow minded mindset of a foreign country trapped in its former years that wails out now at the sight of my evolution. I am from hushed whispers and sideway glances at the sight of my six year old self behind a book, making a point of ignoring the demonstration on how to make Egusi soup. I am from the underfoot of my forefathers’ ideal image of a woman.

I’m from Farina and Cassava- a sweet kiss from my home country leaving a sense of longing to be in my grandfather’s house again. I am from submerging myself in textbooks. I am from retreating into my room when family comes to visit to escape their scalding evaluation of my domestic shortcomings. I am from the heartbreaking moments of feeling less of a woman.

I am from finally understanding who I am.

I’m from living my life for me. I am from finally looking up. I am from choosing when to smile and when not to. I am from returning those side way glances and joining the conversation of hushed whispers. I am from welcoming family with open arms. I am from voicing my beliefs instead of coddling them behind closed doors. I am from crawling out from under my forefathers’ foot.

I am from those terrifying moments of looking towards my future and the entirety of its unknown. I am from pushing myself outside my comfort zone and laying all of myself out there in the excitement of its discovery. I am from standing before two paths at every turn. I am from those stolen moments on vacation where’d I’d slip out of bed and run out to the beach-staring up at the stars and the vastness of our universe while listening to the sound of the roaring ocean running to the shores and embracing it with a soothing rhythm lulling me back to sleep.

I am from past mistakes snaking their way back into my life. I am from having to pull weeds beyond my garden for the sake of my own salvation. I am from tough decisions and blinded faith in devils with the faces of angels. I am from those rainbows that would shine after the storm.

I am from the endless evolution of me.