Ruminations

Because I love you,

I smile at your quirky sense of humor

I even giggle when you forget the punchline

Of a joke, you found online

Because I love you

I stay up on the phone listening to a new idea you had

I’ll smile and imagine you were here besides me

Because I love you

I’ll study with you for finals, days on end

Because I love you

I’ll lie to my mother about where I am

So, I can spend more time with you

Because I love you

I’ll let you copy my English homework that you forgot to do

That party you went to last night,

Must have ended late

Because I love you

 I’ll ignore the remarks you make, about the way I dress

Because I love you

I’ll ignore the subtle deletion of my friend’s texts and calls

Because I love you

I’ll ignore the constant pressure to “put out”

Because I love you

I know you’re right when you say I haven’t put much

 effort into this relationship

Because I love you

The texts from the girls you meet, must be your friends

Because I love you

I won’t jump to conclusions like what you did to me

Because I love you

My mother’s constant worry for me, must be her overexaggerating

Because I love you

I’ll be your doll that you show to family and friends

But when it comes to pictures

My body is the display and my eyes are the hollow remains

Of what I used to be

Because I love you…

I’ll know that this isn’t abuse

Because abuse is physical

So therefore, he isn’t hurting me.

Mommy, he treats me right

Because He loves me…

He drags me along

And hasn’t laid a hand on me

So, this isn’t abuse, right?

Because I love myself…

I’ll break down

I’ll hit and scream

I tell myself maybe this is me.

This is my fault

My friends and mother are out to get me

No.

Because I love myself

I embrace my mother’s scent

And relish in her hugs

The safety of her arms reminds me

What love is

Love isn’t a façade

You can’t dress it up and spew false promises at it

Love isn’t abuse of the mind

It’s the comfort of mind

Because I love myself

I know that love is a two way street

Meaning I care for your needs

And you care about my mine

It’s the constant support a partner has

It’s not using gaslighting to make me your doll

Abuse has no style

It’s physical, spiritual, emotional

And especially mental

Because I love you,

I knew to let go…