Rumpelstiltskin's vice

Once upon a time,

A man felt ashamed

Of his wealth and his status,

Which were poor and of no fame

Brought before the king he said: "Your majesty, I may appear

A poor miller, however thou shalt hear

A fact, that my daughter has skill most unique

She spins straw into gold, with her special technique"

The king was surprised

At this uncalled for declaration

And not any less intrigued,

He called the poor girl to his station

He said to the girl:

"I've been told of your skill

As your king, you're aware that my word is your will

My command for the eve for you to transform

A room full of straw to a more valuable form

You'll be locked in this room for the rest of this night

And I'll look for my gold come the morning light

If my wealth is not here, if no gold appears

Then I have had falsehoods placed in my ears

If this is the case, woe be to our honor;

A king was deceived and you'll die tomorrow."

With these words, he locked her away

With an impossible task to be done by next day

Terrified, she paced the floor

Fearing for her evermore.

She googled and bing'd but found no solution

She checked research websites, praying for absolution

She posted on facebook, but no one commented

Just thumbs-up and sad faces, no text was entered

The night had grown older, her hopes had grown dim

Her phone low on charge, she dared not search again

She was eating the straw, out of stress and fear

When suddenly, she heard a sound come from near

Her phone screen lit up, a small bubble appeared

She scrambled to grab it, unlocked and saw here

A man named Rumplestiltskin had seen her dire straits

And her offered his service, to spin gold like lace

She hastily agreed when he said "Not so fast!

What will you give me for my skill unsurpassed?"

She agreed to a deal, to help her survive:

He would spin gold, she would give him her child

She sent her coordinates on Messenger to him

He showed up at her window with a wicked grin.

For the next several mornings the King was amazed

At the amount of gold that it seemed this girl made

Every night for a week, Rumpelstiltskin was back.

Then the King fell in love and they both fell in the sack

Fast forward a year, to the newly minted Queen

Her husband was an asshole, demanding and obscene.

She hardly ever saw him, which suited her fine

She handled the money, and wore robes most fine

She forgot all about the weird magic man

Until one day her phone popped up a bubble again

Her blood ran cold when she saw the name

And the message "It is time" put ice in her veins.

She grabbed her small child and sat on the throne

Before long, the man decided to show.

He demanded the deal be fulfilled there and then

She used pleas, bargains, and bribes to protect her kin

Rumpelstiltskin was mad, but he also felt pity

He told the Queen he'd give her one last chance to be witty

"If you can describe," said the weird little man

"my genitalia exactly, then you may keep your fam"

"But be warned, if you guess, and a single detail's wrong,

Then you'll be forced to clean my chamber pot, year-and-life long."

The Queen was taken aback at such a crude request

And wanted to refuse but had to pass Rumpel's test.

So he took his leave and she started to study

Oh the things she saw, if not for the volume it might be funny.

Alas, she didn't know where to begin

Was it short like the man? Was it hairy and thin?

She sent out a servant to survey the land

And to write down the measurements of each and every man

Such a giant task he was not excited to assume

So he delayed leaving and sat bored in his room

He pulled up a browser and pulled up a site

Where he chatted with strangers all day and all night

He met Ahmed from Dubai, he met Patty from Dublin

He met John from Ohio and Sergei the Russian.

But one time he clicked, and was filled with shock

The username was RuMp3lSt1l!$k1n,

And on camera was a cock

He rushed for a screenshot and ran to her grace

When he showed her the pic, oh the look on her face!

But the username and face behind the phallus was clear:

It was the weird little man. She cried "Summon him here!"

When Rumpel arrived, he was cocky and convinced

That he had won the bet and his victory was hence

But when he walked into the Great Hall,

the Queen, smirking, said: "There's a mole on your left ball."

The man's triumphant grin vanished, he began to fret and fear

The Queen's sarcastic smirk changed to a vicious sneer:

"It's hairy and bulbous, and looks rather testy.

But that doesn't matter because the rest of your junk is nasty"

She proceeded to describe him in great detail

In ways that would embarrass and shame any male.

With each sentence spoken, his anger grew

About a paragraph in, he erupted and spewed:

"You vilest witch! You have hacked my devices!

You tapped my smartphone, you're exploiting my vices!

I'll have the FBI on you in a second!"

"There's no need"," she said "I called them, and they're around I reckon."

At that time two agents in blue jackets came out

They tased Rumpelstiltskin before he could shout.

They put him in cuffs on human trafficking charges

(Add to that extortion, blackmail, and arson)

The bureau agents took Rumpel away

And locked him in a cell where he is to this day

The Queen and her husband got a divorce

(If that's what it's called when Kings are kicked out by force)

The queen and her child still live to this day

In the castle where the ordeal began and now contentedness stays.