Running with the Bulls

Sun, 11/27/2016 - 21:11 -- LBLRRH

Everyone knows life is pressurized,
Like one of those air canisters
With liquid nitrogen inside.
And it just so happens
Some of us were made to cry
When the word slingers decide.
But when the bullies decide to let go,
I'm so scared of people
That when the pressure gets out,
All that comes is snow.
I don't mean to be cold
After I've been hurt,
But how was I to know
You'd make me so unsure
Of the friends I've had for years,
And the parents
That wipe my tears.
Every jab makes it clear
That people are the creation of fear

Landan, I'm sorry I can't control my race,
But my being Asian doesn't hurt me.
And years of counseling are teaching
That your hurt is less to do with me
And more to do
With others not loving you

Enough.
I liked Steven enough to show
But you chose to up and go
At me like I was nothing,
Little more than classmate stuffing,
The little girl that was learning
With faster pacing.
And I'm sorry I was intimidating
To the equally terrifying.

In elementary school
I was running with the bulls.
And by middle I was riding the waves,
Except for a few times
Where the conversation
Went concave
And Bobby laughed at me
When I fell down
Balancing too many activities.
But other than that
I had safety,
I had best friends,
And simple responsibilities.
Until sophomore year:
One instance of tears.

Ross, I know there's acne on my face
And I know I look like a "strawberry cookie"
That's not up to par with your taste.
But it hurt
When I was being constructive
And you picked at my scars.
I don't like it when people hurt others,
So I told you to stop bashing
On the ones who were learning.
We're not in first grade
So I wasn't expecting you to say
Things to make me cry
And then for you to turn away.
But my daddy told me
That I have things you don't see,
That I am grade strong
And press piano keys,
That you do not
Dictate me.

And then I realized I'd forgotten
That some bullies have a blow
That feels softened.
Mr. Chavarria made me broken
When he tore my family
To bits and pieces
By slowly pulling apart my body.
He would tell me
I spoke wrongly,
And, how to fix it, he never told me.
And he would get me
Down on both knees
And force me to succumb
To the weight of his thumb,
And I always went numb
And crumbled at his mumbles
That everything was fine,
That all I had was his "mine,"
And that this would be my life
For the rest of time.
A forced in and out
And tortuous roundabouts,
When all I wanted
Was handholds and singing loud.

Chavarria was a first lover
And then a broken wonder
Within the first October.
With at first a tempting hovering
That at first was exciting
And then had me internally screaming
He kept me silenced.
And it made no sense.
And I try not to think of it.
But I hated to get
Forced and forced
And unconsidered
Unless he got bitter,
In which case I just gave way.
Because no one cares enough today.
He's the only one that cares.
And so he took me as his clay
And molded me
To be a sexy, Asian slave.

And now my best friends tell me
That, in them, I have safety,
That they'll watch for the ones
That'll have the audacity to break me.
And they'll be telling
Which ones will force me
Into making lovers deities.
And I do feel safe.
And I know by my nape
That some people are selfish
And that's their escape
From the world's responsibilities.
And that will never make it good,
But now I'm understood.
And if it happens again I would
Take the time to forgive
Because the hating hurts me more.
And the will to live
Will hurt greater than the gore
Of any revenge.

The bullies like to be tough,
But the bullied can be tougher.
The ones who survive
Are known to go further.
The pain hurts now,
But don't be mistaken.
To love, they don't know how,
And so you're stronger than them.
Your job is not to fix the pain,
And you don't need to dance in the rain.
You're only goal needs to be
"I'm getting through this for me."
Surround yourself with people
You know know how to love.
As for the heart-breakers,
You will rise above.
It does nothing to say it will get better
Even though it will.
I know you think they're crazy strong
But you are stronger still.
 

Worry not, I'm no stronger than the majority

I just found a good mindset

And that stopped the hurt agreeably.

It was always about them

And never about me.

And I suppose not reacting

Kept them from staying.

So there was some sense in trying.

Poetry Slam: 
This poem is about: 
Me
My family
My community

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