Ryan's Letter

To my dear beautiful daughter,

I don’t know where to begin, I guess the beginning is best place to start. I have a story to tell. When your mother was pregnant I was scared. You weren't planned, it happened so fast. I felt like I wasn't ready, but at the same time had to be. When I first saw you I couldn't believe my eyes. You were this little gooey thing. When I grasped you a tear ran down my eyes. You smelled nice, well most of the time. I worked and was absent a lot, I wasn't able to see you as much as I wanted to. I hated myself for that. I didn’t plan it to be this way, crazy how things turn out to be. 

Days went by, not noticing its been years. You’re growing too fast, wishing I can turn back the clock. One minute I am holding you in my arms, smiling at you. The next, you’re all grown up, feeling like my life beamed through the important years. My heart melts just wondering about what you think of me. Can't imagine it being anything your proud of. 

I always loved you, loving you has been a rollercoaster of emotions, deep, painful and powerful realities in my life. This is the hardest thing I ever had to write. I don’t know what’s going on with us, I don’t even know how you feel about me this second and that scares me. In thought I would like to think I'm worthy but in reality I know I am not. Something has to change. I want to change. I am ready for change. Call me.