Sanity

I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I don’t want people to know what I am. I feel the need to warn people who come into my life. They often think I’m joking. They don’t believe me when I say I’m insane. But god damn it. I’m insane. Keep it to yourself. Keep it to yourself. My mind is a mess. I get these moments. I just. Just. Shut. Down. I can’t help it. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I lay on the floor and stare into space for seconds. Sometimes even hours. I get angry. So angry. I get these flashes and then it’s all just black spots just flickering in my head. My body feels light and I grasp at my hair and crawl into a ball. All I can do is scream into my legs. I attempt to take cold showers to put my body at ease but they stopped working. I receive an adrenaline rush of furiousness. The repetition of words begin. Over and over and over and over again. I repeat gestures. Gestures. Geeestuuuures. 
G E S T U R E S. Gestures. Gestures. But the S doesn’t sound right and the g doesn’t slither off of my tongue like I like it too. Fuck. Fuuuuuuck. I’m so fuuuucking angry, not angry. I used that word already. Mad, upset. Upset. No. That doesn’t sound right either. Or ither? Tomato or tamato? God damn it. My writing has even failed to be good enough. Now I sound crazy. Now I am crazy. See. See. See.see.This is what I mean fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I hate odd numbers unless they’re in increments of 5. Fives. Fiiiiives. I’m not one of those pitty girls. The ones who cry over bruised knees and the fact that their parents are arguing. I’m just trying to blend in. Blend in I like that word blend. Bleeend. The way the b gallops enthusiastically. . I can’t leave my room now. It’s gotten too bad. I’m naked and I’m alone. The room is dark and the light seeping in frightens me. If it’s let in then my darkness won’t be hidden anymore. My obscure mind will be revealed. Fuck why am I feeling this way? God damn it why? I was okay yesterday. I was content yesterday. What the fuck happened. Cunt. Cunt. Cuuuunt cuh cuh cunt. Such an ugly but releasing word. The way it escapes your throat with rage. My medication. Fucking cunt. Cuh cuh cunt. I forget to take my medication. It’s been 3 days. 3 days. Fuck. Fuck. I fucked up. God do I really need to take it. I just need to be normal. Norm norm normal. Normality. I need normality. I need sanity. Saniiityyy. Sanity. Saniiity.