Scar Tissue

As I meander down the beach the only word that I can relatively place from my mind is barren. The expected storm is slowly rolling in and the darkened sky offers no hope or refuge of sunlight. The darkness evokes that suffocating feeling again. I feel the tormented waves crashing against the shore with every slow and steady beat of what was left of my heart. I can hardly feel it there now. The memories replay in my mind and for a second a smile spreads slightly across my face, but in that same second, the wind sweeps away any happiness that I can manage for the moment, and carries it away in a tumult of anguish. My breathing is purposeful and it’s soft, just like my footprints. However, my chest rises and falls just barely, for that sinking feeling makes everything hardly manageable now. My winding path in and out of the sea foam has no set pattern, but only my set purpose to keep walking forward. It’s the only way I can survive every day. My footprints are created in a graceful manner, leaving shallow and neat indentions in the sand. With each step, I get closer to the truth, and with each step, I leave behind a memory of you. A crack of lightening radiates through the sky like a sudden burst of electricity, spreading out like tiny spider webs in the opaque sky. My head cranes up as far as it can allow, but the nothingness I feel reminds me I have become apathetic and simply unabashed. I wish I could have that inner spark again. I wish I could have you again. I close my eyes and continue walking, listening to my breathing and feeling the warm sand beneath my feet. In that same moment, I can feel your familiar, strong arms wrap around my waist. A laugh escapes my throat but sounds hauntingly unfamiliar. My eyes gaze back and you’re right next to me. I begin feeling somewhat normal again. The memories flood back and I am comfortable again. Your laugh radiates through my body, as you grab my hand, and walk alongside my long winding pathway. All I can do is smile and gaze upon your beautiful blue eyes, for you are now excitedly talking about how you can’t wait for our life to start together. I try to pull you in closer, because I really miss you. I try to keep you with me as long as I can but you vanish from me with the sound of booming thunder in the sky. I open my eyes, and I feel my warm and wet tears stream down my face. My eyes begin searching for you, your eyes, your golden hair, and your wry crooked smile, but you’re gone. I can’t find you here with me anymore. I keep hoping the lightening will strike me once, just once, and restart my life all over again or just cease the disjointed arrhythmia making up the broken organ in my chest cavity. I continue walking forward, for now, because all that is left is me and my quickly vanishing footprints.