scared

i’m scared.

i’ve been consumed by my selfish wants,

consumed by me craving to hold you,

consumed by dreams of a better reality

consumed by you and only you.

i drag my fingers against my sheets,

movements slow and hesitant to match

the fogginess wrapped around my head.

it holds me like a noose, begging for me

to just try and get rid of it again, because

at least it smothers any thoughts of you.

but like always, you are stubborn, and 

even though you aren’t and will never be

here with me, i feel you near me, feel

your warm arms wrap around me, feel

your soft breaths against my neck, feel

your heart beating just as fast as mine.

but whenever i let my eyes flutter open,

you always seem to leave.

and as i shiver a bit, blanket far too thin

and bed feeling far too cold and empty,

i bite back the tears stinging my eyes.

i long for you. i’m far too wrapped up in

your eyes, eyes which will never see me

the way i’ve always seen you: beautiful.

though i lose the fight against my tears,

i decide silently to tuck the loneliness

underneath the pillow, hidden from any

eyes but my own, just how it should be.

yet my heart still beats for yours.

and i’m scared.