a scream into the void

and it's eating at me inside

constantly gnawing the back of my mind

leaving me in an 

elevated

adrenalinated 

flustered place of panic

A roiling sea in the pit of my stomach 

that when I close my eyes

I could fall fall fall 

plummetting fast fast fast 

the dark air whipping past

filled with this chaos

yet temptingly calm 

what if I just stayed here

falling for eternity 

but I can't 

can't just sit here with eyes squeezed shut

internally free falling 

So 

I fly back out 

open my eys

though still stuck in my mind

and smile

and try not to scream 

but suppressing just seems to make it intensify 

and all this because I need to have control

all this because I hate confrontation 

because I'd rather suffer silently 

I'd rather die internally 

and continue to smile on the outside

than actually deal with my concerns 

and when I finally get the nerve to act 

the simplest things will be push me back 

I hide behind fake confidence

draw strenght from empty sass

but the emotions hit

when real life rears its head 

all bravado disappears 

as I 

silently 

choke