scrutiny

The weight bears down on me, my burdens hold me back slowing me down, keeping me away from you, they barrage me with ridicules saying a monster like me doesn’t deserve a goddess like you, but nonetheless,… I make my way at a dead mans pace one who clings to life on a shoe lace, my life line, my reason to continue my torturous life, to endure this hell that everyone puts me through, the pain I feel, I only endure for you, so I continue my dead mans crawl for a seemingly hopeless reason one that will surely never end in my favor, and it will most likely lead to my death, for if this goes wrong I have no reason to continue this torture so with nothing to lose I continue my hopeless endeavor my madman's fervor's plan to find salvation in the hopes that,… the one I hold all my love and admiration for has the same feelings toward me, a pipe dream I know it seems, but I have nothing to lose, when all that I had was ripped from my hands by society by their cruel lies and rumors, ruined my reputation, and I was too weak to dispute their accusations, so they grew in their despicability, the rumors went from just simple little insults and lies to my character, and soared in their grandiosity to me being a womanizer, a violent, vehemently malevolent man, who seeks ill for those around him but it had gone on too long for my words to be heard, they had no faith in what I had to say, it was already ingrained into their brain that I was an demonic man, so I fell to scrutiny,… but there was one who would still listen to my pleas, for just one person hear what I have to say whether they chose to believe or not, I did not care, I just wanted to know that someone no matter the person had at least heard my rebuttal to their cruel rumors and that person was her, she listened with a sincere look of understanding and did not once scoff or interrupt me, during  my desperate declaration of my innocence, and that’s where I believe my feelings for her, where born because when everyone else had left me even my mother and father had given up on me, a total stranger at the time sat by me and listened to me something that I hadn't had in a longtime, a conversation that I longed for, even though it would seem trivial to anyone else, but to me a man who's words always went through one ear and out the other, it was the best and only gift anyone ever given me so that is why, I carry out this hopeless endeavor, that’s surely to end in failure, to the end, because I have nothing to lose because I never had anything in the first place but if my heart is right, and hasn't chose to betray me to, I feel that there is hope in my mission a ever so slim chance that I will succeed, so I will see that its done, I will tell her how I feel, I will tell her how she is everything to me, I will tell her how I will never be able to repay her for all that she's done for me, how when everyone else stood over me kicking me while I was down, she came to my side and pushed them away, how when everyone else had left me alone she stood with me and held my hand, to tell her how she wiped away my tears  when I cried, and told me that every thing would be alright, how she means everything to me, how I never felt the same about anyone else but her, how even when they started rumors about her she still did not leave my side, how she's the only one who stood by me, that she's stayed by me, even when my parents threw me out in the rain, with vehement amounts of distain and hatred for me, you stood with me, and shared your umbrella with me,… you shared it with me the one that everyone called a heartless, ruthless monster, without a second thought you offered your one man umbrella, when everyone else went out of their way to splash me to soak me, to drown me, but you stopped and stood with me until it stopped, and even offered me a place to stay, that is why I feel that I can say with undoubted certainty, that I love you, that is why I continue to put up with all this hate, and loneliness in the hopes that, maybe, just maybe you love me to, as unlikely as it may be I believe that this feeling I have for you is right, that for once I have made the right choice