the search

you ask me what I’m looking for in a man i reply, “I’m not.” see, you don’t seem to understand. you don’t seem to get what it’s like to go your whole life without a man who is stable enough to love his own daughters growing up with a daddy that you couldn’t tell who he was going to be from one phone call to the next you don’t understand what it’s like to move nightly from arms to arms hoping fucking praying that the next pair will hold you forever that they’ll make you okay. you don’t know what it’s like to have your counselor ask you to write her a passage on trust and to have your usually overrun creative mind draw a complete and total blank because you don’t even know what trust is the dictionary definitions of belief in truth and in reliability and the strength of someone or something don’t seem to click in my shattered mind because what is trust? you don’t even know if you can find it in yourself you don’t understand how it feels to be so emotionally broken that you question if you’re capable of love at all. so, ask me again what am i looking for in a man? listen, i’m not your everyday run of the mill kind of girl i don’t have an internal list of blue eyes and dark hair and a six pack with natural signs of agency dominance assertiveness and competitiveness sweetheart, i’m not looking for a partner. i’m looking for myself.