Searching

I am searching.

I find myself unsure of everything.

My mind paces while my body is numb,

Unmoving, frozen.

I fuck up.

That's what I do, what I've always done.

I think I'm fine. 

I pretend and start to feel like, 

Like I actually have control.

But I don't, of course.

That's nonsense.

The balance falls,

tipsy, dizzy.

Trip and fall,

Laugh it off.

Lose my mind,

forget, be numb.

Feel nothing,

Release my demons.

They are searching.

They don't know what for,

They always come back to me.

Red, pulsing and dripping,

Overflowing, letting go.

Sharp pains, skin on fire,

Be numb.

I am searching.

I don't know what for.

I always find my demons.

We make a body, a person.

Yes, empty,

A shell of a soul.

We are searching.

We don't know what for.