This Secret

I’m not dead, Nor am I alive.

The light in my eyes shows only for a selected few.

The rest see only the outside of my dark concrete wall,

my guard is up and ready.

It may seem that I'm okay with these changes.

It’s like i can't even feel anything,

as if i'm numb.

Not happy but not mad or sad.

No tears have falled from these emerald eyes-

will there ever be?

I’m good at keeping secrets

but I didn't ask for this one.

I feel as if I’m  in over my head,

trying to tread water

to only put off drowning for a few more days.

I wanna say my guard can handle this

but honestly I’m  not so sure.

So I let myself practice doing again

that which I do so well-

push people away.

Then slowly accept the ones who have fought to stay,

they all start to disappear.

The wall grows taller and thicker

to hopefully protect me,

because this is like a plague.

Eating me up inside.

but I can't tell because its a secret.

and in my heart it must hide.

Depending on the circumstances

maybe only til tomorrow or perhaps til the day I die.