Secret Identity

As fingers dance across the keys

I fall in only deeper

I’ve never met him in real life,

but I know he’s what I want.

“You’re beautiful,” he tells me,

and I thank him, playing shy,

but something about the compliment stings.

Stings like the strain the bright screen’s

constant glowing has caused on my long exposed eyes.

I take a deep breath, knowing it’s time.

I have to break his heart again.

“I have bad news,” I type out regretfully.

I feel terrible. All I want is to make him happy

but I guess I’ll do anything

to make sure he likes me

at least for now.

“Oh no, is it about Friday?” he asks,

and I close my eyes, a lump in my throat.

It always gets this way when I say it.

“Yeah. I won’t be able to make it.

“My mom wants me to visit my grandparents with her.

“I mean, I can’t say no.

“Not when my grandma is sick.”

He doesn’t answer right away,

and I feel my heart clench

in my chest.

Would this be the last time?

No.

“It’s okay, I understand,” he responds.

“I get that it’s a hard time for your family.

“Cancer sucks. I just wish I could finally see you,

“finally look into those beautiful brown eyes in person.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” I type back.

“I want to see you too.”

At least all that is true.

I let my eyes wander over

to the picture frame on my desk

and I take a small comfort

in my grandmother’s image.

Her arm around my shoulder,

her smile wide.

It’s the last picture of us together.

He sends a message, and my gaze

is back on the shining screen.

“I still love you, don’t worry,” he jokes.

I grin. It’s this that really matters

the feelings

the love…

I have nothing to worry about.

“I love you too,” I tell him.

“But it’s midnight here now.

“I think I need to sleep.”

“No problem,” he says to me.

“Same time tomorrow?”

“Always,” I type.

“Sweet dreams. You’ll forever be my girl,” he says.

“Good night,” I respond.

And we sign off.

The harsh glow of the monitor

finally flicks off

and I stop by the bathroom

before heading to bed.

The light from the bathroom

is brighter than the light from the computer.

It engulfs me.

I wince.

As I use the toilet, I look into the mirror

my gray eyes looking bloodshot,

tired.

I finish my routine

and go to bed,

falling under the covers

and feeling peaceful for once.

I think of him.

He really does love me.

But I’ll never be good enough for him.

He says I’m his girl

and I try so hard to be

but I can’t lie much longer…

it’s impossible.

There’s a soft knock on my door.

It’s my mother.

“Do you have any plans for Friday?” she asks.

She looks just as tired as I do.

“I thought maybe we could visit Grandma’s headstone,” I say from my bed.

“That’d be nice,” she smiles. “You know, Grandma

“would really be proud of you, honey,” my mom says.

“You’ve grown into quite the young man.”

“Thanks, Mom,” I say softly.

“Good night.” She shuts the door.

I sleep.