Self Consciously Insecure

Turning off the alarm clock at 6…

Getting in the car at 7.

Giving myself an hour to be up and ready.

I lay in bed and stare at my closet.

The clothes speak to me almost

"I want to be worn."

"Think of how warm you'll be wearing me"

"You know you're legs will look extremely long with me on."

The sweaters skits and tops all hang,

In their rightful places,

Color coded

By season.

Sometimes the tights peek out of their drawer,

The socks always say "I wish you liked me"

And my shoes all jumbled around

Wanting to be the lucky ones picked that day.

But even though I put on the nice skirt, the lacy top.

Even though my makeup is perfect

My lips a faint pink

My eyelashes all curled to perfection.

My hair in it's high bun.

Even though I get told everyday

By different people

How nice I look

How great my style is

How perfect my makeup is that day

How my eyes look like the color of steel blue.

How jealous they are of me.

But... For some reason...

I just can't let myself believe them.

I don't know why.

A boy could tell me a thousand times

The boy could say countless amounts of

You're pretty's

Beautiful's

Gorgeous'

And I still wouldn't believe them.

I've had my fair share of bullies

Of mean ex best friends

Of relationships gone wrong

Of ex boyfriends.

Is that why I don't actually...

believe anymore?

Or have I never believed.