Self-Pity Poem #2

I''m too dead to be alive

I've bled out everything inside

I'm painfully numb

I'm numb full of pain

My eyes won't stop crying

At infrequent intervals

Hey

and it's over and under the way

 that I'm writing these poems

to pillows tearstained

in the bed where I've laid awake for 7 months straight

And all of those spent in a confused state

Where I wait and I wait

and I know how I feel

and the empty was gone

and the love is still real

and still all the while I knew she didn't feel

but I hoped that she would

And my coffin was sealed

and I knew 2 weeks before

that I'd seen my demise

in the hall where she hugged him

her face

and her eyes

and I know back behind the corner is where

Something was brewing

She was unaware

and I knew

and I knew

and I still did not say

Jealousy's evil

I don't want to prey

And now as here comes March 

April

and May

And I know she'll be happy

and I'll still feel the same

And 7 months gone 

on a cause that's now gone

all thanks to a Saturday hangout 

Bigone

And it clicked

they clicked

with a click.

And we didn't

And perhaps my ears heard 

without myself knowing

that I was perturbed

and after that party

when I felt so damn empty

and hollow

and frightened

the dark can be scary

Maybe after that party

my heart had a clue

that I knew

you were bound

to satisfy 

you.

And I still grew attatched 

despite all your warnings

and I still waited round

to see you in the mornings

and I still was too unsure

to act or to ask

to do what I felt

To take off the mask

To not be so timid

to not be a bore

and I know I'm not supposed to be sorry

at all

And I know this is petty

But I know I'll write more

You don't have to read

if you don't want to anymore

But I'm still gonna feel

and I'm still gonna write

Because there at the end

when I'm writhing at night

Waking up from false dozes

in tosses and turns

in the freezing cold darkness

where my bleeding heart burns

And I don't give a fuck 

what anyone deserves

All I know is I love you

and everything hurts.