Selfishness

*long, Free verse* I am a selfish child. I am a selfish girl. I am a selfish human being, because God sees it fit to keep me wanting and waiting for the people I love most to realize they’re hurting me… I realize that for people like me, it just isn’t easy to express myself the way those who are beautiful will understand. Those who have true reason to feel out casted find their solace in things that the rest of society deems worthy of applause while I ----------- am to sit and watch the world turn… I am still alone, because the sun sets. Obviously it doesn’t shine at nighttime and the moon is just to cold to know that I exist too in the same galaxy…. And the ocean is too far away. I guess I forgot to mention that I can’t swim…. I don’t have musical talent, I don’t know how to enter the beautiful world of arpeggios and sharps and flats and all the things that are beautiful... the reason why my blue bird has flown away. I think it’s the distance that bothers me the most. The fact that we no longer intertwine on a plane so simple and yet complex that only we, we the people that speak the same language, can understand. I didn’t realize so many others spoke the same tongue. And now I feel as if I no longer understand. The sugar doesn’t help either. It much rather feels like salt as it races to my nervous system ready to shut down my mind but instead searches for the things I’d much rather forget. How’s that for drug addiction? Even the words have lost their luster. They shined in my hand to the pen to the paper and what once brought moving tears to the eyes is just pushed aside for a later date. I get it. I need too much attention. Feeling more and more like a useless dog that was never trained to sit and shut up, I am not of any use. What have I protected? Isn’t that what my name means? To protect and defend, and yet I can’t even help myself. I guess this is why I’m being punished. I need too much of people who obviously can’t find that in me. That’s why I’m selfish… because I can’t stand being alone, though at the end of the day, that’s exactly how I end up… alone with my thoughts of the beauty that I’ll never be a part of. I am not beautiful. Is it selfish to want someone who understands me all the time? Willing to be there when the nightmares come back and I’m grabbed in the dark by some unseen force and throttled like a rag doll until I just sit and cry because nobody heard me scream? I guess so… because I’m still afraid to sleep… And for what? Can I at least be happy for everyone else? Those who found a reason to keep moving. I guess these are the ones who deserve… What must I do to deserve? Must I really dip my head under the water and steady my breathing with the warm water and the cold moon staring at me from the window… but I guess then… I’d just be dead. At least in death I can be made up beautiful. God punishes those who are selfish… This is how I know I am selfish because I am still being punished.