semper fidelis

It gets to the point when you can't watch zombie movies anymore: Jesse Eisenberg jumps out from behind a red rusted truck fires his gun and you grimace. Turn away. Eyes to the wall. (you feel for him, sympathise, you really do remember when he played mark zuckerberg all nerves and tension and things screwed up eyes mouth life but in this one he's the hero, and instead of constantly shooting himself in the foot he's shooting shambling creatures dull to the world walking through a world of grey all grey unblinking unseeing unthinking unfeeling you know them well) Sometimes the intensity of it makes you want to laugh. There's been no trauma. No murder. No personal tragedy No disease so disastrous that it leaves you shaking and swollen and bent (you find yourself curled up on your bathroom floor anyway water cascading down over your hunched red shoulders loud enough that no one hears you cry and if you shut your eyes you can pretend you don't hear it either) The things you loved have lost their shape; you feel like an amnesiac. (Fresh from a course of electroshock therapy.) Yes dear, you love those. You enjoy this. You like that. These are your friends who you knew since your childhood You love them, I swear. You've said it often yourself You repeat these words until you're not sure whether you still feel things or you just tell yourself you do (its rabies. it must be rabies. why else would you lash out and hurt those you remember adoring leave me alone leave me alone leave me ALONE i love you you say but i simply can't stand you frankly my dear i don't give a damn you say go away and you know, in a month, when this thing has gone again you'll regret it.) The anger, when it comes again, is a blessing (you seek out things obscenely stupid and hurtful and wrong bile rises in your throat with a pure keening vengeful fury and you think yes) It gets to the point when it's not quite as bad as before: You sign up for things again, commit, make promises It'll be different this time. You know: You're special. Successful. Brilliant. Resilient. You remember what it's like to laugh and be confident and know that this feeling will last forever, and forever, and forever and forever (until one day, it doesn't and you can feel the other thing creeping up at the edges and you know: benjamin franklin never had depression because of this and taxes you'd probably take taxes and certainly death)