September 14th, 2017: A Realization

It was a foggy September morning

And I realized again that

I do not want to die

But I do not want to be here.

It was a foggy September morning

When I realized

That my future is so

Uncertain,

And I am so

Lost.

It was a foggy September morning

When I drove through

The baseball field

And for the first time,

Didn’t hear a voice

Telling me to crash my car.

I arrived at school

And I forgot to eat,

Forgot to take my medicine,

Forgot to study for that

Spanish test that

Should have been easy

But it made my fingers

Tremble like a leaf,

Brown and frail and

Ready to fall from a tree.

I remember my dad

Laughing, mouth wide,

Telling my friends that

They don’t have to go home,

But they can’t stay

Here,

And I know that he meant

So well, but

I cannot tell him how much

I wish I were not home,

How much

I wish I were not here,

How much I wish I was

Nowhere.

I wish that I could tell

Anyone,

Just how much

Being here hurts.

And I do not want to die

But I do not want to be

Alive.

Because alive hurts,

Alive is what leaves

Your mouth as dry as autumn,

Your knees shaking like

The amusement park ride

That they brought in and

Set up in two days,

That you get on

In the hopes that it will

Collapse.

Alive  is

Everywhere,

All around us,

Everyone you see.

Alive is supposed to be

Beautiful.

Alive is supposed to be

Desirable.

And alive is supposed to be

What I feel.

I do not feel alive.

I do not feel.

I laugh but I don’t know

What’s funny.

I cry but I don’t know

What I have to be

So sad about.

I care so much

But I don’t know

Why.

Why?

Why do I care?

Why do I care

About something that

I cannot feel?

Maybe I can

Feel something.

Maybe I can feel

Empty.

Maybe I can feel

Cold.

Maybe I can feel

Lonely.

I realized on that foggy September morning,

That maybe one day

I will feel something good.

But I don’t know

What would have to change

For that to happen.