Shattered Pieces

Mom, Dad, I wish you would have waited to have a child. Maybe then you would have been ready and it would have been planned and you guys would actually deserve me. Mom, Dad, I wish you guys knew what you were doing because I'm pretty sure that abandonment, lies, neglect, and sadness were not supposed to be recurring themes of my childhood. Geez mom I wish that I didn’t feel like grabbing hold of each of my ears and ripping them off of my head every time you told me that you loved me in public. See because that was the only time that you uttered those words to me. Behind closed doors you became a mute and I must have been transparent or invisible or something because you neglected to acknowledge the fact that I was even there. And finally Mom, those rare moments when you did see me, I wish you didn’t look at me as if my very presence didn’t baffle, disturb, and disgust you. Dad, I wish you would have just told the truth. I wish you would have just said that you weren’t coming. That you had better ways of spending your weekends with me that didn’t actually include me being there. Instead of using you mind games and reverse psychology and giving your best “you know I love you but I can’t come get you this weekend” speeches which in my eyes just equaled lies. Dad, I wish that someone had told you that the phone works both ways and that my cellphone always accepted incoming call, especially from you…even though they never came. But Jasmine Mans said it best “some fathers are like God you never see them but you know they exist” the only difference is now I look to God for the comfort and love that you were supposed to give me, your little girl. And I hurt but I never cry because that would be a waste of water. You could have at least pretended to e the parents that I know you never really wanted to be but instead you treated me like the mistake that I was and for that I Hate You. Wow. That was a lot easier to say than it should have been. But see now because of you I am broken. Love, what’s that? Family, what’s that? Mom, Dad, who are they? And this, this is your fault and blame is like a boomerang, you can throw it where ever you want but it will always come back. Unlike me, I'm gone. Never to return, but I want you to know that on my journey I will begin to put back together the pieces of me that you shattered and in the end although I can make no promises that I will miss you, I can say this. I will be alright and I will forgive you.