She

How can she carry someone inside of her for 9 months just to evoke a pain in them stronger than that of a million stabs to the heart?

The pain she left me is engraved in my heart and in my mind

As if she took the knife and slowly carved into me, the words I’ve always thought but could never say: mistake

All the memories she left for me give me nothing but dread.

When someone thinks the word mother there are a few things that come to mind, like:

Kind, caring, warm, lovable, protective...

But when I think of her I think of

neglect, abuse, shame, and sadness.

How can someone go on living not knowing their “babygirl” is okay?

Since the day I was put into foster care I have had an internal battle with myself.

Do I love the woman who birthed me and made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe?

Or do I hate the woman who snorted coke and left her 6 year old for weeks on end?

It’s hard to love someone who made me grow up faster than I could count on my fingers.

But it’s hard to hate someone I love.

Her double personality is what tore my heart into shreds.

Who would come home today,

After being gone for a month?

The woman who would play Mouse Trap with me and make jokes.

Or the woman who would beat me blue in the face.

How could she try and silence me when I am after all her daughter?

Rupi Kaur once said, “I was not made with a fire in my belly so I could be put out”

If I had known back then what I know now I still would not scream and shout.

I am stronger than my pain and you aren’t

My pain will never subside but my voice will not go with the current.

I am strong, there is a fire in my belly, but my anger does not emerge from me in a wave of hurtful words.

It emerges like a flower sprouting in spring.

Steady, kind, patiently waiting for sunlight.

I will speak to you as though I were the flower.

I will patiently wait for your light, I will speak kindly, and be steady on my feet while I do so.

If I could go change the things you’ve made me see

I wouldn’t

because it makes me, me!

And while I realize forgiveness is key

I wonder

How can I tell her these things when I can only refer to her as she?