S(HE) CAME TO ME

3 Parts: 1-Darkness, 2-Love, 3-the both of them and someone else.

 

 

Part 1: 

 

 

asking for a bit more cake

than I been offering. 

 

And these winds have been passing’

me by for a while now 

always begging for a front row seat to my passion

prying for a passage through my mind 

but I never want to give my love up in the fly. 

 

speaking of which, 

 

I’ve always known that darkness is a scam artist,  

this is not new information 

Just like I knew Darkness is 

overly fond of taking up residence, 

in my baby-boy lungs 

and is almost always 

bent on waking me before the sun comes up

always ready to wrestle some more fun outta me,

always ready ta drink me, root through me me, take me,

till that my love has had its fill. 

Honest to Christ, 

I don’t know why S(He)’s so hated.

Darkness has gotten too much of a bad rap 

but S(He) has treated me great over the years. 

I think they get a bit too much shit

for not being something you assholes can figure out 

strangle into a tiny bow and force into a backwards box. 

Darkness went and gave me her love when I didn’t deserve anything to do with 

the shape of her blood, 

but still S(he) allowed me to change its direction. 

 

Darkness covered the both of us 

kept us safe 

with her, in denial, that my head was back between her legs 

and me, secretly furious to be back in the same city 

doing the same shit with her 

that had got me running from my shadow in the first place. 

 

baby, S(HE) was there 

 during that night time rendezvous that resulted in extra scrutiny 

 from law-men with their flashing lights asking questions 

our bodies had no choice but to answer

twisted up in that motherfucker’s view 

baby blue gettin’ that full backseat view,  

as I lay covered in her roses

white with her blood 

the same ones 

I’d gone to war over and won. 

it’s fine 

We both ended up getting off 

all together. 

 

But don’t get me wrong. 

I’d siege the beaches of H(er) split sky 

for a second chance at her song. 

I’d jump flip this world upside down

just for the chance to come around

and find where S(he)’s hidin'now

and tell her, Please. Please. Please. 

Don’t let them turn you into Dawn 

just yet. 

You are so much more 

than they make you out to be. 

Dark, baby, you need to know 

that you are so much more 

than they ever wanted you to be.

 

Darkness, 

 

ya got a hold on me. 

 

 

 

Part 2: 

 

So, honey, ya changed.

traded in your tender skin 

for a worthwhile cock. 

Thought you’d see how the boys be livin’

when they’re all wrapped up in you

with nowhere to go. 

 

Honey, you still managed to strip me bare. 

even with hair on your chest 

and man on your lips 

Trust me, 

Ya didn’t change 

anything in my brain lookin’ this way 

I have always been this way.  

I just love to take the tip both ways

now let me make you appreciate….

my mouth spelling riddles 

only your pleasure can solve 

fuck fuck fuck fuck me 

until this we both go soft.

 

And I recognized your eyes 

in H(is) 

when he gave in under me 

then flipped me over on the bed 

and got on top

thrusting deliverance taller than tomorrow 

into my baby-blue skies

while all I could think about as the ground exploded in me 

was that he had you in him. 

it was six degrees of seperation from the last war I’d fought 

on a flesh battleground 

they’re starting to all feel the same 

but so fucking different 

only in retrospect do I see the connections 

between H(is) brute force and H(er) submission 

only then do I see how these cracks of pleasure connect 

and bring us forward in one another 

trade a cock for a breast and I still find myself 

overhwlemed in a lover 

Darkness, baby, it makes no difference 

who I’m wrestling with

seein’, competin’, on who can last longer 

I never did last longer 

but that’s fine because they all grow fonder of me 

once they get me in the light and really see

all that I be. All that I was. All that I am. All that I will be. 

 

I love them all because they are my lovers. 

It ain’t that crazy of a thing. 

 

 

Part 3: 

 

And these boys still blowing up my phone 

who knew i was so popular amongst 

those who couldn’t  have me? 

they asking to love me 

hold me where the city can(’t) see

walk with me in public 

start a fucking rev(e)olution in my gut. 

 

all I’m gonna do tonight is light your cigarette, baby,

let’s hold off on seeing how good a kisser you really are. 

I will not be responsible for the ghosts you send my way,

All I can offer them is a couch for the night and some shitty coffee

  with grinds at the bottom of the cup. better be gone by afternoon. 

Leave the rest of me the hell alone. no smoking on my porch. 

 

 

you know I haven’t told my grandfather yet? 

haha, I don’t even know who (you) is 

i just know you’re listening right now 

eye to the key hole 

you tryna’ get a taste 

of the love that’s laid waste 

to temples hidin' amongst the Roses. 

My love. Talking bout my love. that shit is fire 

in my gut 

that shit will turn your eyes inside out 

make you watch your own internal bleeding 

as I turn your shit to dust. 

 

love is not an Insta poet 

tryna’ convince us we all connected 

taking the time to make sure the world understands 

H(is) intricacies. 

love is not always patient, love is not always kind. 

half the time, they’re out of their mind. 

and love is never the soft tide that 

we think it must be

sometimes the only way love is gentle 

is when it’s killing us softly. 

 

Really,

 

love is the bitch we all deal with

more than once 

 who breaks us up beyond comprehension 

then sits the fuck back 

and demands our attention. 

 

I been playing poker with love 

for a hot sec now 

tryna get H(er) to show H(er) hand 

but she never does. tryna’ get her to fold, 

so I can win the bet just one fucking time, 

but S(he) never folds.

i think she and Dark must know one another 

because they’re always in the same room 

in the same year, in the same dry, wet month

watching me unearth burning cities

between the legs of another Rose

lovin’ each other for those few moments

for those minutes, for a lifetime perhaps 

however long it takes to bust a heart vessel

in His/Her guts.  

 

and why is it that

 me or my baby always leaves 

when Dark takes off and Dawn 

comes on down to town?  

that’s gotta mean something, right?

 

and honestly, 

I’m tired of dealing with love. 

S(he) has been messing with me for long enough

convincing my lungs to sing the same old 

bitter battle song, just for a chance at a movie-screen romance

where lover and I might remove each other’s clothes 

but never let down each others’s guards enough to know 

anything true, never to tend to the soil

where our garden full of roses could one day grow. Man, I don’t know. 

It seems like Love’s got a bone to pick me with because i can never 

get H(er) right. S(he)’s always one step away, just out the door 

asking me to follow H(er), telling me I want some more 

of what S(he)’s dealing, never accounting for the mental space 

in this head that S(he)’s stealing 

and S(he) likes showing me how happy those I once knew are now without me

existin’ just one degree of separation away but you know how it is with these 

boring boys who show these girls a complacency that they’ve never known,

the opposite of living with a fire in the gut, but instead just living with your eyes wide shut, nothing to do but exist I guess, 

and those relationships can drag on for years, I mean years! and still they might not be done with each other when all that shit’s over with. Boring boys are sometimes all that she needs and I’ve seen at least three of my childhood loves taken by the same middle-aged asshole, dragging each them all down that same ol’ rabbit hole, away away away from me. 

Fuck. 

I mean, I really had no idea that it would end up like this.

I’ve dreampt about her one too many times now for comfort, and I’m

seein' all the things we used to do in the dark with love lurkin’ round the corner

every time I close my eyes and allow the jealous night to take me places.

I guess that I have an affliction where I am caught up in simple addictions of the flesh and the heart, at the time when it’s right but I don’t know what I got till enough months has passed and I find myself examining the start and all that we had when our time was raging on. And this is true even now of the loves I knew when I was thinking about the other loves I knew when I was thinking about the first love I knew, motherfucker, THIS IS A CYCLE with ME! 

like, love could be suddenly kind and knock up on my door 

as if she could be mine and if I want something more out of H(er)

and I would still mess that shit up. I mean, 

we’d have a few great days, get to know each other in bed until we were both worn through and unsure of what was really ahead. But then that fear, that God-awful fucking fear would kick in, snap me out the door and I would run feeling’ relief that love didn’t get her claws too far in me. 

Now tell me-how fucking crazy is that? 

I’m either a coward or I’m fucking selfish or I’m something else entirely that I need to figure out soon 

because this is all getting to be too insufferable.

 

Knowing me, I'll give it a year and then look back and I will wonder 

why I ever steered clear of Love when she came to my door 

and offered herself to me 

and why when we twisted those blankets and sheets 

so lovingly 

I didn’t try and achieve that shit 

that I thought was just out of reach 

at the time. 

 

 So now here I am, dripping in something sweet

milk and honey pouring off of me 

wondering if she’s thinking of me. 

Cause I’m alone out here, a fucking stranger now looking in  

waiting for her to somehow come back to me but at this point 

I don’t think she ever will. I just don’t think she ever will. 

and that’s the fucking thing. It doesn’t matter how many times 

I've see her in my dreams

this is real life now and that part of her to me is gone

 and she has a life now apart from the one 

that I knew.

I don’t have a goddamn lock on her heart

and she’s no longer offering me a key. 

not that I would want it, i guess that it just hurts 

when she no longer wants me 

like she did 

when we were both younger. 

 

that’s the thing, we build these dreams 

that come crashing down as we get older 

and our lives change in theirs ways

and we get better  

at navigating the haze

and our gaze on this world 

grows bolder.

 

but we never forget those that loved us 

when they had no reason to 

never forget those that love us still from a distance 

with only some reason to.

 

What do you mean, I can’t call you babe? 

Isn’t that what we were once upon a fucking time?

 

that’s what’s most heartbreaking to me. 

we had so much love before our eyes once

but we let it drift and now it’s locked in a different time

 we have been barred from returning to again. 

 

Fuck it. Fuck that. Fuck those parts of the past. 

 

Imma pull up with the plug

Have me a menage-a-trois with Darkness and Love. 

S(he)’s treated me too well over the years 

for me to forget bout her now. 

and love. sweet love. I see my part in pushing you away 

trust me, I see it fine. But you’ve beaten me down 

one too many times

for me to trust you fully. But I’ll survive. Honey, you’re responsible 

for every good thing in my life, for every soft word I wrote

with your eyes in mind, you’ve let me get back up again why my knees were crying, telling me to stay down with my nose to the ground where it was safe and I didn’t have to make a sound.

but I never been one for safe. I’m one for great. 

 

for gut punching, love fucking,  soul sucking, fire starting’ revolutions, body’s castle conquered in a few long moans. I’m for bleeding out the love and leaving its evidence wet between our legs, for telling that I love you when S(he) is covering us with Love in sheltered room upon sheltered room, upon canvas of trees, upon sheltered doom. upon automobile turned graveyard where our love went to be born then die, upon beds with twisted heads watching us love, love, love until the Sun puts an end to us. Upon gettin’ you in my mouth and speaking those words that only you can bring out in me.

 

That’s what I will always be for. 

 

 

 

Epilogue:

 

I guess what I’m trying to say,

 

is that there will be so much more love 

 

one of these days. Just not the kind I knew 

 

nor the type I’ve grown used to. 

 

But S(he) will always be with me 

 

and things have a way of growing up from the dust 

 

in her presence. 

 

I guess I’m saying, 

 

there’s some love waiting for me in the future 

 

another war for another rose ready to be fought in another time,

 

time that will be spent together in hours not made up soley of the hardship we’ve weathered. 

 

but maybe this time spent in ways that don't leave me 

 

bleeding on the floor, wishing I had done more. 

 

 

Maybe this time I will finally achieve 

 

all that love

 

that’s been just out of reach. 

 

then maybe I’ll realize 

 

that there was 

 

nothing 

 

ever 

 

keeping

 

 me 

 

back.