On the Shelf

I see a lot of things in myself

That I like. I keep them way up high on this mental shelf,

Just out of reach so that when I’m feeling low

I can’t knock them down. I have this habit of hurting myself

Cutting my wrists with little razorblades,

Watching the hurt poor out while I berate myself for

                All my foolish ideals and all the things I thought I’d change…

But if there was something I could change about myself, my life…

                It wouldn’t be all the horrible things that have happened

While I was here on this Earth, struggling to live, when all I wanted was to die.

                Struggling to learn, when I thought I knew it all.

I wouldn’t change that I was molested when I was eight—

                I’d change how I felt about it. I would still be cautious but I wouldn’t shut humanity out.

I wouldn’t change that my father didn’t stick around and my mother’s resulting hate.

                I’d change how I reacted. I wouldn’t be so bitter and filled with doubt.

I wouldn’t change that my mother beat me and shattered my self-confidence.

                This most of all I would not change. It made me who I am. I am broken, but broken I stand.

I wouldn’t change that she kicked me out last December, over a silly fight.

                This made me me. It broke me—spoke to me. I am who I am because of this.

In spite of this. I can’t change the world until I change myself.

My world is my world. I do not seek to change my immediate world.

                I seek to change my reaction. How I react is what shapes my world.

How we perceive affects what see! 

                When I was suicidal and trying to kill myself,

I saw no hope. I saw darkness and unattainable goals on high shelves,

                Shelves I couldn’t reach.

Curled up in a ball, you can’t reach very high.

                I want to change myself, change others, change mothers.

Raise your children to raise themselves tall

                To raise themselves up and speak out for all.

I want children to be children

                Don’t grow up so fast, little babe.

Enjoy the mud on your jeans, the dirt beneath your fingernails

                Because someday soon your life will take shape

And you’ll have to set those sails …

                But before you do…

Teach yourself to tie those shoes

                So you don’t trip when there’s so much to see

Look at the world with open eyes and open mind

                Because before you can change the world

You have to change you.