a shield or a wall

Surrounding me is a human shaped space

An area with nothing but air in its place

The area that separates me from feelings and friends

And the space is keeping out the love that they send

Is it a wall to keep me in, or a shield to keep them away

None of them know and I'll keep it that way

"Don't worry about her, it's an overreaction

She's just doing it for the satisfaction

Of once again becoming the center of attention"

It's something I speak about too much or don't even mention

And the air that separates me from the rest

Is filled with overwhelming loneliness

Who caged me in or sheltered me so tight

But forgot to keep out the insomnia paired with fear at night

Or was it I who pushed my heart into

This glass three feet thick that looks so old but feels so new

Did I build a shield to keep myself safe

Away from the world that breaks hearts as a game

Or did I create a wall to protect everyone else

From the damage I might do if I wasn't kept on the highest shelf

Is my heart what is protected or the thing I'm being seperated from

It that the reason I always feel so numb

But who needs to feel when smiling is so easy

And pretending I'm fine so I don't have to worry about the reason

I act like an optimist because saying the truth too hard

But when it flows through my writing so naturally I wonder how I can be so scarred

The people I love can't touch me so I'll try to touch them

And I still wonder if it is really my hand holding this pen

My friends and teachers know about my poetry

But despite the dark, they never seem worried so maybe it's just me

And all my panic attacks must be fake

Because my nightmares only come when I'm awake

In the mirror my emotions look so raw

And in the acting world you are supposed to draw

From memories and past experience but I see my face portray

Things I've never felt; losing someone I love or being betrayed

It scares me and me alone because no one takes in the fear factor

"You're gonna be in a movie someday. You're such a great actor"