Shots

It's hard to hear the gunshots

When all you hear is the echo inside your mind.

Bullets bouncing from wall to wall

Reflected.  

Deflected.

It's hard to see the girl sitting in the dark

When your flashlight is pointed at yourself,

Like you're telling a ghost story

Except this time it's real

And you're the ghost

Or maybe she is

But it's too hard to see before your eyes adjust

Too easy to pass over without registering what's in front of you

Just like she didn't register the gun

Until it was pressed against her head

And she realized that she might die a criminal

And she wonders if they'd charge a dead body for illegal weapon possession.

You wonder what heaven sounds like

If it sounds like the part of the gunshot she'll never get to hear

If it sounds like everything falling, like the shell hitting the ground.

And then you know that heaven must be underground because when she died everything fell

And it hit rock bottom.

Beneath the rocks there must be heaven

There must be something beyond

Below.

One last safety net.

She wonders if you'll miss her

If her number will still stain your fingertips.

She wonders about her voicemail

The last piece of her that will be left after this.

She wonders when her parents will think to remove her name from their answering machine.

She remembers the things you used to say

I love you, I need you, thank god you're okay.

But she only hears the end of your sentences because she didn't start paying attention until the end

And you'd said everything she needed to hear at the beginning.

When you asked why she was always eating waffles

She said it was because she liked all the squares,

And she felt like she'd fit them perfectly.

You didn't realize she was planning her funeral

Until you read her suicide note

And she told you that a square casket,

While unusual,

Would be preferable.

Preferable.

She knew she wouldn't have an opinion once she died so why did she write preferable

Maybe she's still here

It's all a mistake

A nightmare

Until you read goodbye.

She always left the important things 'till last.

Goodbye.