Silence

When I talk about my rape people tell me to talk about something else, something less of a drag Like they're telling me to be quiet. But I have been quiet for much too long When I was five my stepfather told me it was our little secret When I was ten, and my mother asked him all the worst things about me Because she was jealous When my grandfather took me in, and didn't understand Didn't understand that I had been cracked from the ages of 5 to 11 And now that I finally have the mind to think about it I am shattering I was quiet when my therapist asked me when it first happened Because I didn't know And I was quiet when the police asked me the same question And I did not know Because the strange thing about trauma is that if it hurts you bad enough, your brain automatically blocks it out. But they don't know that, and they don't understand it. Because if something that traumatic happened to you, “how could you forget it”? I was quiet when I was left by the remnants of his hunger Like a dinner plate with no food Because everything had been taken from me. I was quiet when I started my first year of high school and a boy forced himself on me He called it “having fun” I couldn't call it anything Because I could not speak I am quiet when I dont tell my brother that the open bedroom door makes me nervous That biting into an apple makes me physically sick sometimes That the texture of my clothes on my own skin feels foreign I am quiet when they tell rape jokes at my school and call it “spicy” Because like a pepper, it hurts me, but causes no physical damage. I am quiet when I hide in my closet, because even if my stepfather is half a country away, I still prepare for his next attack. But he doesn't know That his hands on my mouth never silenced me That I have a voice, and being quiet has not worked out well for me in the past So don't you dare tell me That what I'm talking about is a drag Or that it kills the mood Or that I shouldn't have to talk about it in order to feel like it really fucking happened And don't you dare talk over me because you don't like it, because I when I am talking this openly all I should hear is my own voice and Quiet.