I used to think it was normal
To cry for three hours about nothing.
That it was normal
To think about dying at least once a day.
But that was before my fingers
Decided to tap away at a keyboard
Asking for the reasons why.
As always a complacent screen replied
Telling me all the things
I didn’t want to know,
All the things I feared.
Looking at that screen felt
Like a punch to the throat.
I decided to reject it
And keep it at the back of my mind.
There is no way I could have depression.
I thought to myself
It must be a lie
But despite my repression
I lived in a constant state of fighting off tears.
That empty look on my face
Was never really empty.
It was a curtain, a curtain
That shielded others from the gruesome battle going on behind it.
Monsters endlessly fought in my mind,
They tore at each other’s skin
Their blood gushing out into pools
Neither side ever faltering.
This hidden battle tore me away from others.
Swearing myself to secrecy
I battled alone.
I remember lying on the bathroom floor
The cold tile pressing against my cheek
Irrational tears rolling down my face,
And I thought to myself
“Why am I crying?”
I didn’t know.
So I kept going.