Behind my eyes, there was a darkness I cannot begin to describe
No one could really look into them for fear of being contaminated by my somber expression
I felt obscure but no one had the patience to know why, and neither did I
It felt like no one cared and I was the only one thinking about me at the time
And if it seemed liked they might, I grew suspicious of their intentions as to why
No one cares too much or at least they lack to demonstrate such empathy
As humans, we can be too narcissistic when it comes to problems not personally affecting us
It seems senseless to loath oneself so much now but they say hindsight is always 20/20
At the time, I couldn’t understand life or purpose or myself in a world full of hatred
I only thought that I could no longer prolong my melancholic existence
I needed to end it somehow
I came up with so many ways but I did not go through with any of them
I couldn’t take it anymore but I knew my family could not afford a funeral and I felt I wasn’t worth the expense
I thought everyone would be upset, not because I died, but because of the debt they were left with
Left with that and all their unanswered questions, I would leave along with their peace of mind
I had little self-worth
But not anymore
I came out of that difficult time to where I am now
No longer depressed and suicidal
No longer discouraged at the world and the people who inhabit it
My anger had subsided
I appreciate life so much more at this very moment than I had ever before
Everything seems that much more beautiful and people that much more wonderful
I am fascinated with all I have yet to experience
I no longer feel ashamed because of those disgusting thoughts
I am proud that I have lived through pain and suffering because I endured
Had I not made it
I would not have the relationship with my mother and father I have now
I could not have made them proud to call me their daughter
I would not have graduated high school and had those memories that accompany it
I could not have made it to college and achieved so much while in my short time there
I would not have all the friends I have today, ones that truly care about me
I could not have known all that I have learned
Seen all I have seen
Heard all I have listened to
Sensed all I have sensed
Memories and experiences that could have easily escaped my life had things been different
Had I might not made it
But I was given second opportunity instead
To live and to laugh and to love and to grow into the person I am today
With a life full of everything I didn’t think I could have and with so many people in it
I could not have asked for more
Almost committed a mistake that I could not regret because I would not be alive to do so
And that I recognized the worth of my life is more than I thought
It is:
Amazing,
Incredible,
Unbelievable,
Astonishing,
Magnificent,
Beautiful,
Overwhelming,
And
Important