skinny

skinny

i thought i knew about skinny

after all, the media showed me

pictures of kim kardashian in all of her

callipygian glory with her 24 inch waist

but no one told me

the story behind

her pristine, pouting face

no one told me

all the unrealistic expectations

and the realizations that come when

you’re standing on that scale and the

numbers- the reds, the blues, the greens

all of them screams

and when you begin to listen to the voices

you hear their promises

and pain grows in your eyes

as you make more choices that seal your fate

and ignore the fact that they are lies

and that you are hungry

but hunger is pain and beauty is pain, so they’re the same, right?

no.

i learned this the hard way.

just twelve, i emptied my stomach because i was empty inside

because it was far easier for me to hide

behind this mask of “no thanks, I’m not hungry”

and yet

i realized

there was nothing for me to save

this was taking me to my grave

and i would never be happy with myself

if i kept doing this to myself

nothing will become clearer from looking in the mirror

examining every flaw on my body

because

everyone has flaws

and the more i focused on myself

and my problems

and listen to the voices in my head

i would shut everyone else

until i was dead.

and i’m too young to die.

so i thought about it.

i decided it wasn’t worth it.

why say “is it worth the calories” when i should be saying

is it worth sacrificing everything— my family, my friends, my life

just to be this nonexistent thing

skinny.