Sleep

When I was young

I wanted to stay asleep

Because my dreams were so vivid

And I never wanted to leave

I wanted to stay where

Nothing made sense

Where anything could be beautiful

Without needing a reason

Now that I’m older I still love to sleep

But lately

If I do dream

I do not remember what secrets they contained

The reason I love to sleep now

Is because my standards are lower

Than they were when I was young

I don’t need fairytales

Or adventures in my dreams anymore

All I need is to not have to be awake

Because being awake is worse now than it was before

It’s so much worse

And sleep gives me a few hours

Where I don’t need to be conscious

Where I can escape from responsibilities and reality

For a few moments of sweet nothing

So don’t wake me up

I’m trying not to dream

I’m trying not to imagine anything

Because I’m too tired nowadays

To have the energy to imagine

To think or hope or get excited

I’m just

Tired

But part of me is scared to sleep

Because one of these days

I’m not going to have the energy left

To get out of bed

Or wake up

And I’ll let myself drift off

Because this is bone deep

And my muscles are aching

Just from the effort

Of picking myself off the floor

When I inevitably fall once more

And I think I’ve been like this

For a while now

But I’ve been denying it

Because I thought if I acted

Like everything was fine

Then it would be

But I’ve never been more wrong

If anything it’s getting worse

I can’t even feel

My own heartbeat anymore

If I let it get too loud

I might start dreaming

Again