Smile

To the people who te–

I mean,

Dear people who tell me to smile,

Please stop.

It’s annoying and it makes me depressed and angry and insecure.

Actually, never mind.

Just fuck off.

…

I’m sorry.

(I’m sorry for a lot of things.)

It’s just that it’s frustrating.

I know I sometimes don’t smile.

I know sometimes I come across as the following:

Angry

Bored

Intimidating

Pissed off

Rude

Sad

Scary

Unfriendly

Uninterested

But I’m not.

(Unless when I am. I do have feelings.)

I don’t know how to smile.

It’s hard to smile.

A few may argue,

“But I’ve seen you smile. I’ve seen you laugh.”

Yeah, but that was when something was funny

Or when something exciting was happening

Or when I was really happy for some reason.

I can’t smile on command.

If someone tells me to smile,

It will look like I’m joking.

So I guess those “smiles” are okay for photo booth/joke/not serious photos.

Having a neutral face is better than a frowning one

So that’s what I try to have.

I practice smiling at the mirror.

(Sometimes I see a sad monster.)

Sometimes I would stretch my lips in bed

Until my cheeks burned.

Until middle school, I was unaware that I was frowning.

If I passed by a mirror and looked into it

I would be mortified at what I saw

Because I would look angry or sad

And I thought I looked normal.

“Is this what I look like?”

I know you’re probably friendly and caring and nice and all that stuff

But I don’t like it when you tell me to smile.

I try to put myself into your shoes.

But maybe you could try doing the same?

I’m grateful that I do have some control of my face.

I can open my mouth to talk and eat.

I can blink my eyes.

I can sniff my nose.

I’m grateful that there are understanding people.

I guess I don’t want you to fuck off.

I guess I don’t know what I want you to do.

But don’t tell me to smile.