Snow White and the Social Media Bores

Once upon a time sat Snow White in a cottage-

A mid-century modern to be exact,

And brushed her hair under bright lights with bright wattage,

Just wishing and hoping that

Her split ends would disappear and the frizz would go away,

Trying serums and oils to keep it all at bay.

That her skin would look good in each selfie she took,

That the lighting would hide all of her roots.

God forbid she need to open a book,

Or put her device on mute.

As long as she looked pretty, the magic mirror said.

As long as the front camera could hide her broad forehead.

As long as she had a brand-new lip kit,

With a range of hues to select,

As long as the new red dress would fit,

So she could post a full mirror selfie that no one would expect.

She was pretty, stunning, she knew it to be true,

But she hid behind a screen that stuck to her fingertips like glue.

She felt safe and secure behind an anonymous handle,

Where she could roast those who had so boldly asked.

She could spend hours coveting a Kardashian’s sandals,

Glass slippers were just a trend that had passed.

Every day she sat and was mocked by an evil witch,

For spending hours on Insta and calling any hater a … snitch.

All alone by herself she’d say “It’s alright,”

“I have friends upon friends as long as I have wifi”

Until looking out her window she realized she might

Throw her phone out the window and watch it fly.

“I’m your whole life” said a white ghost in a yellow box.

“You need me” coaxed the white bird from its flocks.

Snow White sat shaking and staring at a world

Where her edited photos were her face and her name,

Where if her teeth weren’t white or her hair wasn’t curled

Then what did it matter, who was there to blame?

Somedays she’d read stories about loving herself truly,

Others how to tame stray eyebrows that were being unruly.

As if her beauty was urgent,

Her life dependent on her shade of foundation,

Post about all of your beauty splurges

They said “Love yourself, unless of course you don’t live life like a vacation”

Without pictures to prove you did it, your credibility is at stake.

She sat and stared out the window, at green plants and at a brick wall.

She didn’t feel like trying anymore, or like doing anything at all.

Until a prince came along,

A knight in shining armor,

Drawn to her favorite indie music song,

He shouted and worried he had alarmed her.

“Come  with me” he shouted, “We can live happily ever after”.

She said no thanks and burst into laughter.

And later that night, when they matched on tinder,

She just swiped left,

Although she didn’t mean to hinder

His chances at love or a quick little fling.

She just couldn’t be bothered to go on a date

Where if it ended badly it was normal; If it was decent, it was great.

Alone again in her cottage she’d just have to stream a movie and eat a snack,

But as she got up she knocked her phone of the windowsill.

Down and down it tumbled with a loud crack,

She rushed outside, feeling anxiously ill.

She threw open the door, to check out the damage,

Searching for it through a garden with tulips and cabbage.

She found it and screamed as she turned it over to reveal:

Shards of glass chipped over a cold, black screen.

“This can’t be happening! This…This can’t be real!”

She had to call customer service, What could this all mean?

It was broken, dead, her life as she knew it.

She took the broken phone, aimed for the wall, and threw it.

She’d have to move out, how could she pay rent

Without her mobile banking app or calling her landlord?

She packed up her things and onto Craigslist she went

Finding a dingy place with seven roommates she could afford.

So she moved with seven short men, who expected her to cook and to clean.

Was it just gender roles or were they being mean?

One new neighbor had googled Snow White,

After seeing her move in next door.

With any luck he thought that he might

Be able to see her some more.

But his wife was not happy, the neighborhood queen,

She saw his search history and rather than cause a scene

She called on Snow White

The very next day,

Without even starting a fight,

She smiled and laughed all the way

And offered her a move in gift basket with apples laced

With Ambien and Lunesta (Well, just a trace).

“Try one Snow White.”

And a devilish smile.

A large juicy bite,

But sleeping pills take a while.

Snow white closed the door, and lay down on the floor,

Dramatically releasing a half-eaten apple core.

The queen felt proud,

Snow wouldn’t soon visit.

She yawned audibly, loud.

Lay down and napped without so much as a fidget.

Her husband would be home from work, she’d need an alibi.

“I was napping all day”, a calculated lie.

When her roommates returned,

They called 911.

Ambulance rides were expensive they’d learned.

And hospitals without Patrick Dempsey were much less fun.

The medics tried performing CPR, after not feeling a pulse.

Alas, the trainee had just taken it wrong, and disgusted Snow White convulsed.

The trainee, as it turns out, was her recent tinder discard,

As if it couldn’t get any worse,

The ambulance had to break hard,

And she dropped her purse.

After a check-up, she’d be free to go.

But the trickle of patients was rapid, and the rotation of doctors was slow.

With new hospital bills and terrible insurance,

How could she pay a phone plan?

Already she couldn’t find pencils and pens,

She’d been signing documents in crayon.

Hope came along, as her prince could save the day.

A brand new i-Phone! And he’d already payed.

Really, he was scared she sue,

But she didn’t care.

A free phone, brand new,

Question it? She didn’t dare.

She said thank you politely, but closed the door shut.

She couldn’t handle another man right now, seven already and none could be cut.

“This time”, she vowed, “I’ll be wiser and live”.

“I won’t take my texts for granted, put care in each selfie I give”.

Pay attention and learn, my millennial friends.

Others give us lectures on using social media to no end.

But there’s value in connection, not just to a phone.

Share what makes you happy, even if it elicits a cheesy groan.

Wear what makes you happy, not just what you think you must.

And if you want to feel better, a smile is almost always a plus.

We live in two worlds, one on earth and on the web.

Both can be scary and important; but neither are as valuable as the world inside your head.

So live and find your happily ever after,

In posts and in friends and in an eternity of laughter.