some things you should know before dating me

1. the most likely reason that i am currently talking to you is because you are considerably taller than me and i find that very attractive

2. sometimes i wear black lipstick because i like to think i can be edgy; tell me i look cute and you will also be wearing black lipstick

3. i will sing musicals loudly in my room and i will attempt to rap along with the fast bits. i cannot sing or rap.

4. taking caffeine away from me is signing your own death warrant

5. you will be the subject of more than just this poem

6. i am incredibly competitive and if you beat me at something i will probably give you the silent treatment

7. dry shampoo is the most useful thing ever invented

8. i definitely know more about harry potter than you

9. my ex kinda messed me up so i hope its cool if we just cuddle for a bit until i know i’m ready for more

10. i forget to take my medication every once in awhile and it turns me into someone i hate yet can still recognise in the mirror

11. three of the best moments in my life: watching my little sister sing in front of thousands of people, getting into university and being diagnosed with severe depression. finding out that i wasn’t lazy, wasn’t attention-seeking, wasn’t just too stupid to study maths but that everything that was happening wasn’t necessarily my fault.

12. another amazing moment: dumping the shitbag who tried to make me ashamed of my illness

13. just because i accept my illness doesn’t mean i am not afraid of it. i am terrified of the darkness that beckons because falling never seemed so easy before

14. there are nights when i don’t sleep at all. instead i lie awake and think of all the ways the world might be a bit better off without me in it, all the people who wouldn’t miss me at all, all the horrible thoughts i wouldn’t have to endure

15. the most terrifying thing i learnt this week is that i can fit out of my dorm room window

16. i had to go and buy more plasters from the pharmacy and the pitying look from the woman working there nearly sent me into a panic attack

17. one of the worst things i have ever been called is damaged goods

18. i used to sit in my wardrobe when i thought i was to going to panic because the darkness was relaxing. i stopped when i realised i was scaring my friends and one looked at the belt on the floor for a moment too long

19. the day most of my flatmates stopped talking to me is the day i realised my biggest fear is being alone

20. i am afraid to ask for help because someone once told me i was a burden. i am trying to unlearn this but i will need your help

21. but that doesn’t mean i am something to be fixed

22. i have been looking for someone to stand beside me, someone willing to weather the storm and come out the other side stronger, someone to tell me i still exist. i thought i had found it a few times but my judgement can be poor. i’m really hoping i’m making the right choice this time.

i fall fast and i fall hard, both into love and into darkness. i’m trusting you to catch me.