Someone I Am Not

All my life, I forced myself to say things 

and to be things 

and to like things. 

And that has given me a lot of shame in my life. 

I feel like I am trapped 

in a never ending cycle. 

Where I can’t speak up 

for who I really am. 

I tell people, “Be you! You’re beautiful, you’re equal, you’re enough!”

But I can’t even follow my own advice. 

I disguise myself as someone who doesn’t have to face oppression,

just for who I am attracted to. 

Daily, I hear horrible slurs by people who don’t even know. 

They don’t know the constant shame I feel everyday as I can’t even open up about myself. 

I’m faced everyday with the battle of, do I want to lose people that are in my life,

 or do I want to love myself.

I can’t move forward in relationships where their pronoun is “he.”

My mother understands that and she said, “just date shes’!”

I know I like girls. 

But I can’t say it outloud. 

So my brain feels like a cloud.

Everything is mixed up in my head 

as I try to understand myself. 

No, this isn’t for clout,

this is me coming out.