Sometimes

Sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have a normal life Where i wasn’t so fucked up I had no scars no stupid mental illnesses I wish i had a alive dad and a sober mom who would take care of me I wish my mom would be in my life. She would come to all my events She would be there for me, She wouldn’t choose drugs or men over me and her other kids She would have boyfriend and crush talks with me Help me with my prom dress Maybe even one day my wedding dress I even wish i knew my dad I wish my dad was an actual father He wouldn’t hit me He would protect me from the things I couldn't face, And give me back the childhood stolen from this place. A life where "normal" wasn't just a bitter, aching lie, Where I could look my parents in the eye And see reflection of a love that didn't break. I hate the life I'm stuck with, for your reckless, selfish sake. I look at the pictures of the girl I should have been, And all I feel is fury for the nightmare I am in. I want to burn this memory, this house built on your shame, But the little girl inside still whispers your damn name. I can’t help the anger that flows through my veins The hurt you placed is there to stay I’ve watched the people i love turn to withered souls of who they used to be All because of this world we grow up in this life we call normal When the abuse is all we know The quiet wound you left is festering and deep, A solemn promise that my bitter heart will keep. It’s not just the addiction, the men, or the cheap flight, It’s the absence of a mother who should have been the light. You took my innocence, replaced it with the strain, And now the only water I can offer is the rain Of constant, crushing worry, the fear that never rests. I hate the fact I carry you etched upon my chest. I hate that even now, when all the hope is gone, I still look for the sunrise, the moment you’ll move on. But you're stuck in the loop, playing the same tired role, And every act of self-destruction takes another piece of my soul. I am exhausted, Mom, from fighting both your war and mine, And yet I stand here, waiting for a single, honest sign. The anger is the fortress that keeps the sadness out, A defiant, burning shield against the crippling doubt. I won't apologize for the fury in my eyes, It's the only real emotion left beneath these broken skies.