Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I’m real

If I really exist or if I’m just told that I do

I can not prove to you that I exist

Nor can you prove to me that you do.

Is reality a conscious effort

Or perhaps it simply is?

A ghost of the past I’ve forgotten

A shadow of what I can’t forget

I wonder if I’m capable of love

If I’m able to be loved

Fully and completely

I wonder if marriage is the finish line

Or the starting line

And if I’ll ever reach either.

I wonder if I’ll learn to stop hurting

Not just myself

But the people I love most

I wonder if I’m a toxic scratch

On the lives of those I love

And if I was born to be like this

Was I born to be this broken?

Born to despise myself this much?

Or is this the side effect

of a pill I was forced to swallow?

Is this the result of the pain I suffered,

The memories I drink to forget

The feeling of a touch

that will always haunt me?

Sometimes I wonder