Song of Myself, Tainted with Pink

For days and months and years,

I hoped and prayed it wouldn’t come to this.

As I [grow] older and you do not

My heart aches as you choke out the words,

“I have cancer.”

Thoughts of death fill my mind and I’m struck with panic and terror

We thought it was over, when you had your breast removed.

We were convinced everything had improved.

Eight surgeries and several doses of chemotherapy,

It tricked us into happiness and then pushed us farther,

Into a deep black cavern of sadness.

Black is the color of silence... how deep does silence go

So much worse it was, category four.

Not only was it now your other breast,

But in your lungs and a brain tumor too.

Why does it have to go from good to gone?[1]

 

I’ll hold your hand in mine and sing you to sleep,

I know it’s dark, this part of life.[2]

Until the last beep fades from the machine.

I’ll help you through, when you’ve done all you can do.[3]

Until the light has faded from your green eyes

And your skin has gone cold and turned pale.

Long after your eyelids fall and your heart goes silent.

You lived life beautifully.

Your strength was incalculable,

Your love immeasurable.

Taking you was like taking the hand of an artist,

The tongue of a singer.

I cry out in pain, drained and hopeless

I’m not bitter, I just miss you.

I will smile because you lived and are mine,

Because that is what you would want.

Sleep now, be in peace.

In a haze of stormy haze, I’ll be around

I’ll be loving you always.[4]

 

A month went by, a month and I can’t describe,

A month I’ve been trying to push aside and forget in time.[5]

Time that I’ll never get back, living in the past willing you to be back

These wounds won’t seem to heal; this pain is just too real.[6]

I’ve tried to remain strong, but with you gone it’s all I can do

To wake up when the sun rises and continue without you.

I never thought that you’d leave me here all on my own.[7]

Why [you] had to go I don't know.[8]

No amount of tears can make sense your gravestone buried deep in the cold ground.

Blinded shock has seized me, your life too soon buried under darkness.

I’ve tried to tell myself that you’re gone,[9]

My heart refuses to listen.

Cancer doesn’t care,

It laughs in your face, drinks your tears, and breathes in your agony.

It never felt your warm hugs, heard your loving voice.

It holds no sympathy for the family it brought its grief to.

But grief runs rampant through me.

I can’t seem to find myself again

I’ve [never] felt this way before, so insecure.[10] 

So many things I wish I could have told you,

I love you being the first, goodbye the second.

I never got the chance, you were gone too quickly.

 

Clean crisp white sheets [are] neatly ironed and untouched,

Your presence still lingers here,[11]

They wait for your return that won’t come.

Dust [will settle] all around the house,

Acting like another layer of skin for the furniture

Our home will become just a house, filled with meaningless items.

I’ll box up your things and gather up your memories,

I’ll put them on a shelf and protect them as you protected me.

This is where the healing begins,

This is where the healing starts.[12]

Your soul has ascended into the stars,

While your body remains underground,

Forever, the story of a fighter.




[1] Here Comes Goodbye by Rascal Flatts

[2] I Won't Let Go by Rascal Flatts

[3] I Won't Let Go by Rascal Flatts

[4] Parachutes by Coldplay

[5] Miserably Loving You by Artist vs. Poet

[6] My Immortal by Evanescence

[7] Miserably Loving You by Artist vs. Poet

[8] Yesterday by The Beatles

[9] My Immortal by Evanescence

[10] Crawling by Linkin Park

[11] My Immortal by Evanescence

[12] Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North

 

 

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